Argus Hamilton


© Copyright 2019

Sunday, February 3, 2019

Argus Hamilton

BEVERLY HILLS--God bless America, and how's everybody?

The Chicago Daily News said the Polar Vortex completely froze the Chicago River and turned Lake Michigan into a glacier last week. It’s just crazy. Those male gender reassignment surgery candidates in the Midwest can run around outside naked today and save themselves a hundred grand.

Homeland Security Secretary Kirstjen Nielsen laid out her security plans for the Super Bowl today in Atlanta. The DHS plans to deploy facial recognition technology at the entrance gates to prevent criminals from entering the stadium. We’ll be lucky if we can wind up fielding two teams.

President Trump will be interviewed by CBS during the Super Bowl today. It’ll be a nice break from politics. He’ll say that the offensive line is a wall that protects the quarterback from being overrun by criminals from the other side of the line of scrimmage, and America should have one, too.

Dallas Cowboys former quarterback Tony Romo will be the Super Bowl game analyst on CBS today. He’s great at reading offensive formations and predicting the next play. While Tony Romo is a terrific analyst, he needs at least three more concussions before he’s as funny as Terry Bradshaw.

White House Press Secretary Sarah Sanders said God wanted Trump to be president. Well, he does appear to have divine protection. Trump came outside the White House yesterday morning and saw that he was still president, and according to tradition, that means six more weeks of comedy.

The Weather Channel cited sixty degrees below-zero wind chill in Minnesota Thursday as the Polar Vortex turned the Upper Midwest into an icebox. Cities adapt differently. In Los Angeles, the warning that an ICE storm is coming just means a lot of families revert to their secret door knock.

The National Weather Service reports the Polar Vortex drifted east Friday, freezing the Eastern Seaboard. It’s hard to believe, but it’s so cold in the nation even Congress could reach a new record low. It’s so cold in Washington D.C. today that Elizabeth Warren is pretending to be an Eskimo.

Science Daily reports research saying heavy drinking can actually alter a man’s DNA. That’s bad news for me, if I ever decide to have a family. How could I ever convince my son that we hail from the Scottish nobility when his DNA test says our line of Hamiltons came to America from Coors.

House freshman Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez co-sponsored a Green New Deal bill with Senator Markey. It would massively increase taxation to address environmental issues. If the bill comes anywhere near close to passage, Democrats may approve Trump’s wall to keep all the billionaires IN.

The Trump administration announced Thursday it will use E-Verify to check the background of future White House employees. Let’s hope E-Verify works better than the system Trump used to recruit his 2016 campaign staff. It appears their names were plucked from the FBI’s Most Wanted List.

Howard Schultz, the founder of Starbucks, is hinting broadly in TV interviews that he will run for President of the United States as an Independent. There’s no limit to what a man with his expertise can accomplish. We’ll wind up with a White House on every other street corner in America.

The Border Patrol reported a record seizure of hundreds of pounds of the opioid Fetanyl at the border Thursday. The other dangerous drug epidemic is methamphetamine. I never thought I’d see the day when Sudafed replaced Crisco as the most indispensible ingredient in Southern cooking.

Mexican drug Lord El Chapo’s trial went to the jury Friday in New York. The prosecution’s closing argument was that El Chapo transported tons of cocaine into the U.S., reducing its street price seventy-five percent. Funny, that would’ve been the defense’s closing argument in Los Angeles.


 



© Copyright 2019 Argus Hamilton. All Rights Reserved.

 

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