Argus Hamilton

© Copyright 2014
Friday, November 21, 2014

Argus Hamilton

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Friday, everybody, and God bless America.

     President Obama announced his executive order legalizing millions of illegal aliens Thursday in a televised address. Everyone agrees that it's a whole new day. Who would've guessed that six years into Obama's presidency Charles Manson would be a family man and Bill Cosby would be the sociopath?

    Charles Manson acquired a marriage license to marry a young Los Angeles woman named Star who visits the serial killer in California prison. She is twenty- six years old and Manson is eighty. The age difference may not seem like much now, but when he's ninety, she'll have been dead for ten years.

    TV Land canceled the  Cosby sitcom after sixteen women said he drugged their drinks and had sex with them while passed out. One thing's for sure The bar has been set pretty high for your family's Thanksgiving to be more tense and uncomfortable than the Cosby household's get-together this year.

    The Miami Marlins signed Giancarlo Stanton to a thirteen-year contract for three hundred and twenty-five million dollars Tuesday. The popular clean-cut young slugger is part African-American, part Irish and part Puerto Rican. His only drawback is that he missed eight games last year to parades.

    House Speaker John Boehner ripped President Obama's decision to legalize illegal immigrants by executive order Thursday. The political rancor is just getting started in Washington. Republican Senator Ted Cruz of Texas just criticized this year's Thanksgiving turkey pardon as ObamaCare for birds.

     Texas GOP Senator Ted Cruz lashed out a Net Neutrality proposal that would add government Internet regulations to keep telecoms from creating pricey elite traffic tiers. He went too far calling it the Obamacare of the Internet. Anyone over fifty is likely to think that Funny or Die is the death panel.

    President Obama returned from three successful trade conferences in Asia and Australia this week. While in China he was inundated by requests for more U.S. visas so that the Chinese can come to America and work. They're too arrogant to go to Mexico and wait their turn at the truck stop.

    President Obama's decision to legalize five million illegal aliens by executive order drew cheers from Latino activists on Wednesday. It's a new day. Illegal immigrant protestors in L.A. told reporters they are determined to remain in America and live free. Now all they have to do is qualify for disability.

    The Chamber of Commerce called on Congress to pass an immigration reform bill that will bring millions more illegals out of the shadows. The Chamber represents businesses that hire them. A labor report reveals one out of every seven U.S. workers was born outside the United States, the rest still live in India.

    Secret Service chief Joe Clancy told Congress that morale is low following the fence-jumper who made it into the White House with a knife. It's karma. You knew that when the agents refused to pay those prostitutes in Colombia the rate they had agreed on that Congress would eventually get involved.

    President Obama will give a speech in a Las Vegas high school today to lay out the details of his executive order which will legalize the status of five million illiegal aliens in the U.S. He's always welcome in Las Vegas. The casinos will send a plane for anybody who's nineteen trillion dollars in debt.

    Tiger Woods went on a tirade against Golf Digest's satire interview with him on the fifth anniversary of the Thanksgiving meltdown. What a night. It's now a tradition before every wedding ceremony for the best man to make sure the groom knows how to erase text messages before he hands him the ring.

    Missouri's governor called out the National Guard ahead of the grand jury verdict in Ferguson expected any day. The weather is chilling both protestors and the police. It's so cold in Ferguson that CNN just retreated back to their warm studio and resumed looking for the missing Malaysian airliner.



Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood and entertains groups and organizations around the country. E-mail him at

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© Copyright 2014 Argus Hamilton. All Rights Reserved.

How the First Amendment Came to Protect Topless Dancing: A Citizen's Guide to the Incorporation Doctrine. By Susan Shelley. Kindle Edition.

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