Argus Hamilton


© Copyright 2016

Wednesday, August 24, 2016

Argus Hamilton HOLLYWOOD--God bless America, and how's everybody?

Bill Clinton hosted a gathering of lifetime friends and Hillary campaign donors at a mansion on Martha’s Vineyard on Saturday for his seventieth birthday party. Bill is really starting to get up there. After everybody sang Happy Birthday, a registered nurse popped out of a giant bran muffin.

Hugh Hefner finally closed escrow on the Playboy Mansion in Holmby Hills Friday and sold it for one hundred million dollars. That sounds about right. The appraiser estimated the house is worth ten million, the property worth forty million, and the cocaine in the carpet is worth fifty million.

Donald Trump’s presidential campaign began gaining in the polls last week after the Donald softened his tone and stuck to the issues. His campaign manager Paul Manafort resigned over past dealings overseas. It turns out that years ago he once lied about urinating on a bathroom door in Rio.

Olympic swimmer Ryan Lochte lost advertising deals with Speedo, Ralph Lauren and Gentle Hair Removal Monday. Celebrities must have endorsements to connect with the public. If Gandhi was alive today, he’d be telling TV viewers every five minutes that he lost sixty pounds on NutriSystem.

Hawaii celebrated its Statehood Day Sunday with a quiet ceremony at the governor’s mansion in Honolulu. It marked fifty-seven years since President Eisenhower signed a law making Hawaii the fiftieth state in the United States. U.S. statehood officially cut off the island’s original ties to Kenya.

Russian troops massed on the border of Ukraine Monday, threatening to invade the country on Ukraine’s Independence Day and annex it to Russia as they did Crimea. It drew a fast response. The minute President Obama heard the news, he asked the next three groups if he could play through.

President Obama returned to work Sunday after a two-week vacation on Martha’s Vineyard in Massachusetts. He visited the flooded area north of New Orleans. You know the president’s been playing a little too much golf when he referred to Louisiana as the world’s largest two-stroke penalty.

Russian warplanes were withdrawn from Iran air bases from which they’d launched weekend air raids on ISIS in Syria. Russia joined the United States, Britain and France in waging the war on ISIS. The alliance allowed ISIS to tie Nazi Germany’s all-time record for strength of schedule.

Donald Trump agreed to revisit his promise to deport all illegal aliens after a weekend meeting with Hispanic leaders in New York. He still vows that his policy will be be firm. Last night an illegal alien and a Muslim walked into a bar, and Donald Trump bought the bar so this never happens again.

Celebrity rehab host Dr. Drew Pinsky said Hillary Clinton is suffering from a medical ailment he’s noticed from watching her on TV. She adamantly refuses to release her medical records that would disclose the true nature of her condition. It’s her best chance to be described as Kennedy-esque.

Hillary Clinton stressed her Methodist upbringing Friday in a speech about service to others. It appears that one of her Sunday school teachers got their scriptures crossed up. Nowhere in the Bible does it state that a lie is an abomination to the Lord and an ever-present help in time of trouble.

Colin Powell denied Hillary Clinton’s claim that he advised her to use private email for State Department business Monday while Donald Trump began back-tracking on his vow to deport all illegal aliens. The race is tightening. In the latest presidential survey, Hillary leads Trump by only three lies.




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