Argus Hamilton

© Copyright 2018

Tuesday, October 2, 2018

Argus Hamilton

HOLLYWOOD--God Bless America, and how's everybody?

Car and Driver magazine announced that the new car models out of Detroit this fall will all be on display at the upcoming Los Angeles Auto Show. The new car that everybody was talking about all weekend is the Ford Testimony. It turns a lot of heads but it doesn’t get you very far down the road.

The Senate Judiciary Committee heard Professor Ford and Judge Kavanaugh tell their stories Thursday. Social media erupted into a bitter day-long civil war over the veracity of the testimony. The good news is, Russia just halted trying to divide America on Facebook, saying they can’t compete.

GOP Senator Jeff Flake consulted wth Senate Democrats and changed his mind about voting to confirm Kavanaugh unless the FBI investigates him. The good news is, Flake just signed a huge deal to endorse a new shoe for Nike. They plan to advertise the shoe as the Air Jordan of Flip-Flops.

The FBI’s five-day probe into Kavanaugh’s past will not cover a charge made by Julie Swetnick that was deemed uncorroborated. She said that Kavanaugh and his college buddies used to take advantage of college girls by giving them drugs and alcohol. The legal term for this is Spring Break.

Judge Kavanaugh’s weepy testimony infuriated the hallway protestors who routinely call GOP senators Nazis to their faces. It’s just not right. You can call old GOP white men Nazis all you like, but even the Germans at Nuremberg didn’t cry when they told the tribunal how much they loved beer.

Judge Kavanaugh spent more time testifying about his love of beer Thursday than discussing past legal cases. His case history is as general as his Senate testimony. No one knows how Judge Kavanaugh would rule on Roe vs. Wade, he wouldn’t even take sides on Less Filling vs. Tastes Great.

President Trump calmly said both Ford and Kavanaugh were credible Thursday as he ordered the FBI probe to proceed. No one could believe that Trump turned out to be the voice of peace and reason. He kept it up for several hours, which according to Stormy, broke his record by several hours.

Judge Kavanaugh’s confirmation vote in the Senate will require fifty-one votes after the FBI probe. In the old days you needed sixty votes, and, he’d need nine Democrats to be confirmed. To get those votes, Kavanaugh would be forced to play the ace up his sleeve and announce that he’s gay.

Senate Republicans got Judge Kavanaugh to testify about the price the confirmation process has put on him. His opponents aren’t kidding around. While Brett Kavanaugh was describing the things he can no longer do, like coach basketball, he should have added go out to eat in Washington.

Special Counsel Robert Mueller was seen getting his laptop repaired at an Apple store in the D.C. area. Not much came of it. The Apple repair team told Mueller to unplug the witch hunt for five minutes, then plug it back in, and see if that helps find anything incriminating on the president.

Forbes magazine said pharmaceutical companies posted record profits despite spending record-setting millions of dollars on research testing new drugs. The demand for pain relief has always been there. Sears used to offer cocaine and syringes in its catalogues, back when Sears was profitable.

North Carolina’s FEMA crews reported that one million chickens were drowned in Hurricane Florence before they could be slaughtered. If the animal rights activists are serious about saving the lives of poultry, they should teach chickens how to talk. Nobody ever ordered a bucket of parrots.

The OK Cupid website cited a study saying online dating yields happier marriages as it allows couples to list their needs. An Iowa farmer just advertised he’s a seventy-year-old widower looking for a thirty-year-old wife who owns a large tractor. In addition he asked to see a picture of the tractor.



© Copyright 2018 Argus Hamilton. All Rights Reserved.


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