Argus Hamilton

© Copyright 2015

Friday, October 9, 2015

Argus Hamilton

HOLLYWOOD--God Bless America, and how's everybody?

Lucille Ball’s hometown of Chautauqua Lake, New York, took down the contorted-faced statue of her which they nicknamed Scary Lucy at the unveiling. It’ll be replaced by a beautiful statue of her. The Scary Lucy statue was shipped to West Hollywood where it will stand as a tribute to Bruce Jenner.

Russian cruise missile flew nine hundred miles to bomb ISIS and U.S.-backed rebel positions in Syria Wednesday. The same day, Russian jets intercepted U.S. drones over Syria and diverted them from the target. The U.S. drones had to go back to their base because they didn’t say, Vladimir, may I?

Hillary Clinton broke with the White House Tuesday and came out against the Trans-Pacific trade deal saying it’ll cost needed U.S. jobs. While campaigning, she’s seen how bad the American economy is. Last night in Beverly Hills, a woman was spotted with real breasts and a fake Gucci bag.

Meryl Streep offended civil rights groups by posing in a t-shirt inscribed I’d Rather Be a Rebel than a Slave while promoting her new movie Suffragette. The phrase was a British feminist slogan a century ago. The U.S. economy would be number one in the world if only being offended paid better.

NBC Dateline is going to run a special with twenty-seven of Bill Cosby’s accusers telling their drug-rape testimony. In an odd way, it’s a tribute to the comedian. This scandal should have been over in two weeks but Bill Cosby’s such a great story-teller he’s stretched it out to eleven months.

GOP presidential candidate Rand Paul appeared on Fox News Special Report Wednesday and said he’s fine with the Russians taking on ISIS in Syria. His campaign could use a shot in the arm. In the latest nationwide survey of Republican voters, Rand Paul is at two-percent, tied with skim milk.

House Speaker candidate Kevin McCarthy bragged on TV that the Benghazi Committee drove down Hillary’s poll numbers. It may have ruined the entire investigation. The GOP House should go outside the caucus and elect Ben Carson as Speaker, because Kevin McCarthy is no brain surgeon.

National Football League owners met at the NFL’s Park Avenue headquarters in Manhattan Monday to discuss expansion. The owners want to play games in Mexico. They’ve decided to skip the Los Angeles stage entirely and enjoy the same crowds without the Environmental Impact Reports.

Draft Kings fantasy football operators pulled their ads from ESPN Thursday after Draft Kings and Fan Duel employees got caught placing fantasy football bets based on insider information. What else could they do? They can’t become licensed stockbrokers until they are twenty-one years old.

Bill Clinton went on Stephen Colbert’s show Tuesday and conceded that Donald Trump is the most interesting. He said voters are responding to Trump’s macho speeches. Of all people, Bill can’t help but admire a man who buys a new wife whenever the old one gets fifty thousand miles on her.

Donald Trump added to his lead in Iowa and New Hampshire polls Thursday even if scientific polling is practically impossible nowadays. They admit they can’t accurately predict who’s going to win. Pollsters can’t get two thousand Americans to click off the porn, answer the phone and tell us.

Hillary Clinton got the bad news Monday that the firefighters union has withdrawn its support for her presidential candidacy. They would have come in handy. Now Hillary Clinton cannot lie to the House Benghazi Committee in two weeks because she’ll be without backup if her pants are on fire.

Japanese robot maker Softbank began marketing its life-sized robot named Pepper who comes equipped with emotions. Don’t fall for false sightings. A Massachusetts company posted a video of a humanoid robot walking in the woods, but it turned out to be Mitt Romney looking for his golf ball.

© Copyright 2015 Argus Hamilton. All Rights Reserved.


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