Argus Hamilton

© Copyright 2014
Thursday, October 23, 2014

Argus Hamilton

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Thursday, everybody, and God bless America.

South Africa's bladerunner Oscar Pistorious got five years in jail Tuesday for shooting his fiancee four times through a bathroom door and killing her. The state opted not to ask for the electric chair. He was dangerous enough on stilts, never mind giving him a mobility scooter.

Monica Lewinsky discussed her affair with Bill Clinton at a convention in Chile in her role as an anti-cyber-bullying advocate on Monday. It's so hard to believe she's forty-one years old. It seems like only yesterday she was crawling around the White House on her hands and knees.

Congress will return from fall recess in the second week of November for a few weeks of work before the winter recess in December. They will tackle immigration reform. Migrant farm workers don't want a lot, just the same temporary worker program that Congress enjoys.

President Obama taunted Democrats who won't ask him to campaign for them Monday by reminding voters they are his supporters. Talk about the kiss of death. To give you an idea of how low President Obama's approval ratings are, his new Secret Service code name is Ebola.

CNN called Ebola Czar Ron Klain a lawyer with no medical expertise. He reports to Susan Rice, a lawyer with no medical expertise, and she reports to Obama, a lawyer with no medical expertise. Never think a virus will just go away if it requires the same number of lawyers O.J. had.

President Obama reversed course and agreed to a travel ban to the U.S. for West Africans. He restricted them to entering at five East Coast airports. Leave it to our first black president fifty years after segregation ended to authorize the first colored entrance to the United States.

The American Federation of Teachers flooded the air with TV ads for Democrats Monday, ripping GOP budget cuts. The GOP is slow to counterattack. Republicans simply don't know that cocaine taught American kids the metric system far more than the teachers' union ever did.

President Obama said he shared public anger over government ineptness reacting to the Ebola outbreak. During Ebola crisis meetings, Obama cancelled fundraisers in Connecticut and New Jersey. It's the first time he's ever acted on his promise to help get the money out of politics.

The CDC admitted that the Ebola-infected nurse from Dallas Presbyterian Hospital called the CDC before she flew to Cleveland last week. They gave her the green light to take the flight even though she had a fever. As a result, the CDC now stands for Centers for Disease Circulation

Michelle Obama campaigned for Democrats in Iowa this week with mid-term elections nearing. She never strays off message. On her way home, Michelle Obama stopped off in Missouri and told the Ferguson protesters that if you want to loot right, you've got to eat right.

Joe Biden lavished praise on a new program in New York Monday but kept calling it the wrong name. He's just priceless. There was an awkward moment when Joe swore in a hundred new U.S. citizens on July 4th and concluded the ceremony by telling them they may now kiss the bride.

Illinois state lawmaker Jim Moynihan tried to cast a vote for himself three times Monday in Chicago but each time the machine cast his vote for his Democratic opponent. It was an honest mistake. The machine mistook the lawmaker for three Jim Moynihans who died long ago.

UCLA conducted a survey published in Journal Neuroscience recently that concluded that sex addiction is not a clinical disorder. It's debated worldwide. Whether or not sex addiction is a clinical disorder, it certainly hasn't stopped anybody from running for prime minister of Italy.


Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood and entertains groups and organizations around the country. E-mail him at

Editors -- This column is also available online at:

© Copyright 2014 Argus Hamilton. All Rights Reserved.

How the First Amendment Came to Protect Topless Dancing: A Citizen's Guide to the Incorporation Doctrine. By Susan Shelley. Kindle Edition.

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