Argus Hamilton


© Copyright 2018

Wednesday, December 12, 2018

Argus Hamilton

HOLLYWOOD--God Bless America, and how's everybody?

The North Pole Gazette reports that Santa Claus was preparing for his Christmas Eve sleigh flight Monday when he visited his stable of reindeer. When Santa discovered that Hitler was harnessed at the front of the team he yelled at elf in charge of the reindeer. I said RU-dolph you idiot!

Vanity Fair reported that progressive feminist groups in New York are lobbying radio stations to take the song Baby It’s Cold Outside off the air. They claim that the song is sexist and thus not politically correct. If Baby It’s Cold Outside is considered sexist, I fear the worst for White Christmas.

Heisman Trophy winner Kyler Murray apologized Sunday for homophobic tweets he posted when he was fourteen years old. The young man is truly sorry. It’s cost him his lifelong dream of being the first man in history to play in the NFL, to play Major League Baseball and to host the Oscars.

Los Angeles retail store owners reported booming retail sales due to Christmas and Hanukkah shoppers out in full force this month. It’s a perfect time of year for shoppers to spot celebrities in downtown Beverly Hills. Last week I saw Betty White at an antiques store—for eight hundred dollars.

NASA scientists in an interview Friday cast doubt on the possibility of successfully colonizing either the Moon or Mars because they said sex is virtually impossible for couples in zero gravity. I feel so deceived. My entire generation was raised to believe that Tang is the breakfast of astronauts.

Robert Mueller switched his probe to President Trump for paying off Stormy Daniels to keep her quiet during the election. Psychology Today just revised its warning about the harmful effects of engaging in porn. They now say it may cause sexual shame, emotional isolation and impeachment.

President Trump was cited by the Special Counsel for directing hush money to Stormy Daniels and Karen McDougal, a porn actress and a Playmate. It’s his own fault. For years he ignored the warning sign posted in the weight room of his gym in Manhattan that stated Do Not Bang Dumbbells.

The White House was busy this week fielding the many job openings that come up after every election cycle as staffers take opportunities in the private sector. I’m not saying that Washington is getting a bit wary, but Trump just posted the Chief of Staff job on Craigslist. It’s a temporary position.

President Trump was reported having trouble filling his Chief of Staff post. One of the duties of the job is to tell the president what he doesn’t want to hear, and the other is to get the hell out. I think the best candidate for White House Chief of Staff is Aaron Rodgers because he’s a fast Packer.

The Wall Street Journal reports that grocery store giants Ralph’s and Vons and Whole Foods and Gelson’s are enjoying huge grocery sales over the holidays. I have one word of advice for my fellow customers in L.A. If you’re paying four dollars for a bottle of Smart Water, it’s not working.

The National Institute of Health reports that the percentage of Americans who smoke tobacco is down to fifteen percent of the population. Smoking isn’t the only danger to consumers. Anyone who thinks that smoking is the toughest thing in the world to stop has obviously never driven a Toyota.

France’s President Emmanuel Macron gave in to the protestors who razed Paris over the gas prices he raised to reduce carbon emissions. It’s not in the French government’s character to put up much of a fight. French officials eat snails and frogs because anything bigger would kick their asses.

The Las Vegas Review Journal reported Thursday that a Las Vegas woman is on the lam and being sought by police after she poisoned her husband’s breakfast cereal to avoid having sex with him. I’ve got a hundred bucks that says it was Lucky Charms. He was always after her Lucky Charms.



 



© Copyright 2018 Argus Hamilton. All Rights Reserved.

 

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