Argus Hamilton

© Copyright 2016

Friday, October 28, 2016

Argus Hamilton HOLLYWOOD--God bless America, and how's everybody?

Chicago’s ancient Wrigley Field will host the World Series for the first time in seventy-one years tonight. Their fans are a long, long-suffering breed. If the Chicago Cubs can finally win the World Series, my rich bachelor grand-uncle can die happy, which is good because we plan to murder him in December.

University of Florida students are offered counseling if they see any Halloween costumes that offend them this weekend. Bless the poor darlings. You’d think that a one-year-long presidential race between The Wicked Witch of the West and The Joker would prepare them for All Hallow’s Eve.

Hillary Clinton appointed a post-election Oval Office transition team. Friendly media certitude has her convinced she’ll win. Cable news pundits who pretend to know how this election is going to come out confirms the theory that the universe is made up of protons, neutrons, electrons and morons.

Donald Trump was cheered Wednesday when he cited the network news broadcasts for unfair coverage of him. Now that’s a salesman. Who else can borrow a million dollars from dad, become a billionaire, marry three models and complain that life is unfair, and have the public agree with him.

USA Today reports that both parties will have lawyers in polling places to guard against voter fraud on Election Day. It was reported that thousands of dead people are still registered to vote in Indiana. So that’s why Hillary addressed a rally in Evansville yesterday and a séance in Indianapolis.

Newt Gingrich told Fox News host Megyn Kelly she’s obsessed with sex while discussing the presidential race Tuesday. Voters face one question. Who’ll bring us the most comedy, Trump sitting in the West Wing with plenty to do or Bill Clinton sitting in the East Wing with nothing to do?

Newt Gingrich went on Megyn Kelly’s news show and defended Donald Trump from claims that he once groped porn star Jessica Drake. Baby Boomers just sighed. You know you’re getting older when there’s a political scandal with a porn star in it and you have no idea who she is.

The U.S. Border Patrol reported Wednesday that the southern border of the U.S. is being flooded by illegal immigrants this month. They want to get safely over the border before the election. All year long, Donald Trump’s been saying that he’s attracting Hispanics and now there’s documented proof.

A professor at New York’s State University at Stony Brook produced a mathematical model that shows Donald Trump will win the election. You can imagine Trump’s reaction. When Donald Trump heard the news, he offered the mathematical model ten grand to come to his room sight unseen.

The Houston Post says that a woman is asking Texans to vote for her husband for the legislature to get him out of the house. It could become a national problem. The hardest part if Hillary is elected president is finding an office for Bill in the East Wing where Hillary can’t walk in and surprise him.

The Centers for Disease Control published an alarming report Wednesday revealing that one-third of all Americans are obese or morbidly obese. One conclusion is obvious. Don’t you think we’d have a much greater success in locating missing children if we put their faces on liters of soda?

The Seattle Times reported Wednesday that a twenty-year-old woman is going to auction her virginity. She’s doing it to help her family pay for their house that just burned down. They couldn’t collect insurance because the instructions on the Samsung Galaxy clearly read, Do Not Text in Bed.

Chapman University released a nationwide poll Wednesday showing that more Americans are afraid of clowns than they are terrorist attacks. It says that we’re also more afraid of clowns than nuclear war or a stock market crash. It proves once and for all we are getting the election we deserve.

© Copyright 2016 Argus Hamilton. All Rights Reserved.


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