Argus Hamilton

© Copyright 2014
Thursday, October 30, 2014

Argus Hamilton

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Thursday, everybody, and God bless America.

    The New York City Marathon will be run before a million spectators Sunday. Many of the runners just arrived from Africa . No one wants to say that New Yorkers are a little edgy about that, but this year when the gun goes off, the spectators take off running away from the runners.

    President Obama hit the trail to try to get out the black vote for Tuesday's mid-terms. It's up to him alone. The last time Joe Biden tried to inspire a black audience to get out and vote, he mentioned Malcolm X three times in his speech and called him Malcolm the Tenth each time.

    Bill Clinton shocked Democrats Friday saying the number-one threat to America is racial identity politics. He said racial and gender politics are dividing the nation. We were so much happier under President Clinton, three hundred million Americans united as one hotel detective.

    Ouija became the first movie based upon a board game to top the box office last weekend in the U.S. It's a film about young people who use a Ouija board to contact the dead and bring them back. To their horror the dead disobey instructions and vote for Republicans on Tuesday.

    L.A. Clippers ex- owner Donald Sterling dropped his NBA lawsuit over the forced sale of the team stemming from charges he ran the team like a plantation owner. He said he's tired of racial controversy. He plans to take the two billion dollars and purchase the state of Mississippi.

    The Washington Post said legal pot might be a thirty-billion-dollar industry in five years, bigger than the NFL. It figures. If you add the time people spend smoking pot and watching NFL games, every couch in America could be sued by the ACLU for suppressing the voter turnout.

    The Breeders Cup approved sanitation standards in the stables at Santa Anita to protect the horses from Ebola. The threat in the barn is non-existent. If Ebola could be transmitted from the passing of horse paddies no one would be able to go near Congress or the White House.

    President Obama reminded the country Tuesday that only two Americans have caught Ebola in the U.S. Our biggest danger is panic. If someone was making billions of dollars off Ebola the way they do off alcohol, tobacco and drugs, we'd all relax and just call Ebola a choice.

    President Obama vowed on TV Tuesday that the U.S. will find a way to stop Ebola by using science. Today an Ebola cure is in the hands of the pharmaceutical industry. Pollyanna’s can say that hugs are better than drugs, but nobody every drove around for hours looking for a hug.

    The U.S. commanding general in South Korea estimated Friday that North Korea probably owns a missile that could strike the U.S. The country's not built for the long term. North Korea is an Asian nation where the military looks like Germany and the grocery stores look like Ethiopia.

    North Korea's Kim Jung Un made his first appearance before TV news cameras in weeks on Monday, dedicating a new orphanage near his palace. Kim had to grit his teeth while he was there. Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt mistook him for a five-year-old and nearly adopted him.

    The Auto Club reports oil prices fell below eighty dollars a barrel for the first time in four years. That's because so many people drive electric and hybrid cars powered by coal plants. Saudi Arabia will be going to the U.N. Halloween Party dressed as West Virginia to attract chicks.

    Pat Robertson advised his TV viewers to invest in oil pipeline manufacturers for optimal dividends and profits Monday. His ability to foresee the future is suddenly respected . Pat Robertson was warning Americans that we're doomed long before this Ebola thing came along.


Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood and entertains groups and organizations around the country. E-mail him at

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© Copyright 2014 Argus Hamilton. All Rights Reserved.

How the First Amendment Came to Protect Topless Dancing: A Citizen's Guide to the Incorporation Doctrine. By Susan Shelley. Kindle Edition.

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