Argus Hamilton


© Copyright 2016

Friday, April 29, 2016

Argus Hamilton
HOLLYWOOD--God bless America, and how's everybody?

The King of Spain Felipe VI called for new elections and announced that none of the political parties representing the people of his country have enough political support to form a national government. That’s confusing. Which of his countries is he talking about, Spain or the United States?

The Weather Channel covered the annual arrival of tornado season in the Southwest Tuesday as twisters tore up the Red River basin. It’s like cotton season used to be. Today the earthquakes shake all the trailer homes loose in March, then the tornadoes come along in May and harvest them.

Donald Trump won every county in all five states in Tuesday’s Big East primaries. He learned how to campaign. He told New Yorkers they have the best pizza in the world, he told Philly he loves cheese steaks, and in Alabama he said nothing beats doing crystal meth in the bathroom at WalMart.

Donald Trump thanked Bobby Knight for his endorsement at their Indiana town hall. Secret Service guarded them. If the Iranians kidnapped these two men, tied them together and dipped them in heavy water, they’d possess a nuclear device of such volatility it would allow Iran to rule the world.

Ted Cruz teaming with Carly Fiorina was seen by pundits as a desperate last ditch attempt to derail Trump. He had to try something. The Ted Cruz-John Kasich alliance to defeat Donald Trump last Tuesday worked about as well as the Charlie Sheen-Johnny Manziel alliance to defeat alcoholism.

GOP candidate Ted Cruz announced Carly Fiorina will be his VP running mate the day after he was mathematically eliminated from the nomination Wednesday. It’s starting to appear that the Texas senator lives in his own special world. After Cruz loses Indiana, he’s going to pick his cabinet.

Ted Cruz named former Hewlett Packard CEO Carly Fiorina to be his running mate if he gets the nomination Wednesday. He was pulling out all the stops. Ted Cruz told a crowd at a child care center he has changed a lot of diapers, prompting Bernie Sanders to name Ted as his running mate.

Ted Cruz raised eyebrows partnering with Hewlett Packard outsourcing pioneer Carly Fiorina before Indiana’s primary. The off-shoring has caused a lot of pain. Last week a typhoon knocked out all the power in Southern India, and it left three hundred million Americans without tech support.

Ted Cruz was telling Indiana how much he loved the movie Hoosiers and the state’s basketball tradition when he referred to the hoop as a basketball ring. It got a nice laugh. The Indiana crowd didn’t begrudge Cruz his lack of basketball knowledge because they know hockey is his national sport.

Apple reported that Apple sales fell for the first time in thirteen years in the last quarter. What a teachable moment. It’s important for Apple management to learn that when they do everything in their power to protect the privacy rights of ISIS, there might be a little blowback at the cash register.

Former House Speaker Denny Hastert was sentenced to fifteen months in prison Tuesday. He illegally withdrew millions from the bank to pay off male high school students he’d seduced in the Eighties. It just proves what any West Hollywood realtor will tell you, being gay can be very expensive.

Senator John McCain’s re-election campaign fundraiser was arrested Wednesday when police fund a meth lab, cocaine and fake cash in her garage. She can’t believe she got caught. The police were the last people she ever expected to browse through a copy of Arizona Living and see her layout.

The U.S. Women’s Chess Championship was held in St. Louis and the winner is International Master Nazi Paikidze of Baltimore. You heard right. While Democrats are howling that Trump is racist, the chess world is ruled by a woman named International Master Nazi and nobody bats an eye.


 


© Copyright 2016 Argus Hamilton. All Rights Reserved.

 


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