Argus Hamilton


© Copyright 2018

Tuesday, August 14, 2018

Argus Hamilton

HOLLYWOOD--God Bless America, and how's everybody?

The PGA Championship Sunday will always be remembered for the thunderous gallery cheers for Tiger Woods during his charge. You’ve never heard such noise on a golf course. Normally you have to attend a Trump rally to hear people cheer a womanizing billionaire golfer at this decibel level.

Tiger Woods stole the show at the PGA Championship Sunday with a final round sixty-four to finish second. To train for the tournament, Tiger took ice baths twice a day for two weeks and they really worked. The ice baths will shrink a man until he qualifies for the women’s PGA Championship.

The Ryder Cup team appeared obliged to add Tiger after the crowd-pleasing comebacks he has staged the last ten years. He survived knee replacement, back fusion surgery and a swipe at his head with a six-iron from his ex-wife Elen. I’m so grateful that Charles Barkley was her swing coach.

Psychology Today conceded Donald Trump’s many past affairs could diagnose him as a sex addict. Bill Clinton loved pot, George W. Bush loved alcohol and Obama said he used to enjoy cocaine. Leave it to Baby Boomers to turn the White House into an eight-year sober living residence.

The L.A. Times reported that marijuana is now too expensive for many former users now that it’s been legalized. Only two things are impossible, defying gravity and explaining L.A. to outsiders. Los Angeles is the only city where you buy marijuana at the store and straws from a dude in an alley.

The White House revealed plans to get the GOP Congress to craft a health-care bill before the election that’ll get young people to buy a policy. They feel no need for it. It’s the same reason older people read the Bible more than younger people do because it’s like they’re cramming for their finals.

The Los Angeles Times published a study showing that Millennials have a completely different value system than Baby Boomers have. Don’t I know it, I go out with one. Last weekend at Dan Tana’s, she informed me I was exercising my white privilege by ordering without looking at the menu.

ABC News says Japanese female sex robots with artificial intelligence will soon be on sale for twenty grand. These dolls could have changed history. If Japan had dropped female sex robots on Pearl Harbor instead of bombs the U.S. Navy would have named a battleship after Admiral Yamamoto.

Jay Leno ripped late-night talk show hosts for delivering relentlessly anti-Trump monologues every night. Things have changed. In L.A., you need a license to sell booze, you need a license to carry a gun, you need a license to clean out a sewage pipe, but we’ll give a microphone to anybody.

Apprentice star Omarosa released a book about her time in the White House saying President Trump is losing his mind. It changes nothing. A recent poll said fifty percent of Americans think Trump is mentally unfit for office while the other fifty percent say that’s what they love about the guy.

NFL players continued protesting the National Anthem during exhibition games, citing police mistreatment of blacks. Attitudes about the song are hardening along racial lines. I think the best reason why we Anglo-Saxons love the National Anthem is because it has rockets and bombs in it.

President Trump returned to work at the White House Monday after a week’s golfing vacation in New Jersey. Every day on his vacation, he tweeted policy statements, legal opinions and insults to celebrities and prosecutors. President Trump tweets more than a teenager with a new pair of Jordan’s.

A Seattle Airport boarding gate agent snapped Friday and hijacked an empty passenger plane alone and crashed it into an island. It was a sign of the times. Even if you don’t think we could all snap at any moment, you have to admit it’s amazing how people got so angry so quickly at straws.


 



 


© Copyright 2018 Argus Hamilton. All Rights Reserved.

 

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