Argus Hamilton

© Copyright 2016

Friday, February 12, 2016

Argus Hamilton

HOLLYWOOD--God Bless America, and how's everybody?

Peyton Manning led the parade of Denver Broncos before one million fans in Denver at their Super Bowl victory parade on Tuesday. He has been playing professional football for a long time. Peyton Manning is the only player alive who was drafted by both the NFL and the Confederate Army.

Iran outlawed Valentine’s Day, banning Iranians from celebrating the holiday or exchanging Valentine gifts. They called it cultural corruption. When Iran’s leaders order Pajama-grams for their sweeties on Valentine’s Day, they give themselves away by ordering the pajamas with four legs.

Donald Trump’s campaign roared into South Carolina with the wind at his back following his win in New Hampshire. He’s vowing to use his business expertise to successfully transform the government. If Trump gets elected president he’s promised to build White Houses all over the country.

John Kasich released a TV ad likening Donald Trump to Adolf Hitler Thursday, the same day Politico and Whoopi Goldberg compared Trump to Hitler. If that’s true, then a Nazi and a Jew just won the New Hampshire primaries. The 1960s just phoned the 2010s and said you win, you’re crazier.

Donald Trump didn’t comment on John Kasich’s TV ad, which quoted the German theologian Martin Niemoeller and then likened Trump to Hitler. How unfair. It’s the American way to give a man the benefit of the doubt and besides, Trump would like to keep the invasion of Mexico a surprise.

Vermont U.S. senator Bernie Sanders stopped off in Harlem Wednesday to eat lunch at Sylvia’s Restaurant with Al Sharpton. The old socialist is picking his way carefully through the Democratic base. Polls show Bernie Sanders passed Hillary Clinton in today’s polls, but he left his turn signal on.

Hillary Clinton prepared for Nevada and South Carolina primaries Thursday, needing to rally her campaign to comeback wins after her disaster in New Hampshire. The FBI’s on her trail as well. Hillary may have to convince Bill to get caught not having sex again to take some of the heat off her.

Hillary Clinton found herself fighting for survival after Bernie Sanders caught and passed her in New Hampshire Tuesday. You can’t make it up. After years of rescuing Bill from Monica, Paula, Kathleen, Juanita and Gennifer, now it’s Hillary who has to fend off the advances of an older man.

Los Angeles public schools declared themselves a safe zone from U.S. immigration agents after they rounded up illegal Central American kids Tuesday. Their families are very law abiding and quiet. The only noise you hear at night in Los Angeles neighborhoods is whenever Guatemala scores.

Seal stole the show in the Super Bowl telecast with a commercial in which he sings backed up by several different-aged choirs of young people who were conceived right after their parents’ teams won the Super Bowl. It’s cute. However it still doesn’t explain how Cleveland Browns fans reproduce.

Ash Wednesday services were held in Protestant and Roman Catholic churches Wednesday to start Lent. In the service a priest scrawls a cross on your forehead with black ash which you wear all day. In Los Angeles, you can’t help thinking you’re also participating in Help a Sniper Wednesday.

Barack Obama complained to the Illinois legislature in Springfield about America’s partisan divide, telling them Lincoln worked for bipartisanship. Who taught Obama U.S. history? Lincoln’s idea of bipartisanship was for Grant to attack from the north and for Sherman to attack from the west.

Chipotle’s restaurants cleaned up their act after customers suffered E. coli attacks after dining at the Mexican fast food restaurant chain. It creates the most urgent of problems. The difference between Chipotle food and the president’s Afghanistan policy is that one of them has an exit strategy.

© Copyright 2016 Argus Hamilton. All Rights Reserved.


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