Argus Hamilton

© Copyright 2015

Friday, November 27, 2015

Argus Hamilton
HOLLYWOOD--God Bless America, and how's everybody?

Turkey shot down a Russian jet over Syrian airspace, then Turkish allied rebels killed the pilot after he’d parachuted out of the plane. Reaction was swift. Vladimir Putin just advised Americans to stock up on hams for Christmas dinner, because there may not be any Turkey left a month from now.

President Obama stood in the Rose Garden with his daughters Wednesday and pardoned two turkeys, Honest and Abe. They will live at a turkey farm located in Leesville, Virginia. Leave it to President Obama to send two birds named after Abe Lincoln to a town named after Robert E. Lee.

President Obama spoke to the nation Wednesday, assuring Americans it was safe to travel this Thanksgiving even though the State Department issued a travel warning. You were no safer once you got there. Heavy fighting broke out Thursday the moment anyone at the table mentioned Obama.

The National Transportation Safety Board said this Thanksgiving week has the most holiday travelers in the past ten years. The Interstate highways were jammed. Young Syrian men trying to come into the U.S. from Mexico took one look at the San Diego freeway and returned to the war zone.

Christmas shoppers swarmed into Target and Wal-Mart and discount stores on Thanksgiving Day and into Black Friday. It’s dehumanizing. You are never more indignant than when you are shopping at a store which is beneath your status, and another shopper mistakes you for a salesperson.

Black Friday launches the Christmas season today as shoppers storm into the big chain stores to buy gifts at once-a-year bargain prices. Holiday decorations went up overnight in Los Angeles. The Nativity Scene at the Beverly Hills courthouse shows six lawyers standing around a car accident.

Kentucky Fried Chicken announced Tuesday that it will employ Dash online delivery service to deliver buckets of chicken to home orders in Los Angeles and San Francisco. The restaurants had some time on their hands this week. Thanksgiving is observed as a national holiday by the chicken community.

The White House vowed to appeal a court ruling against Obama’s executive orders protecting illegal aliens from deportation. It sounded suspiciously compliant. Whenever President Obama says we are a nation ruled by laws, Secret Service agents wrestle him to the ground and demand to know what he did to the real President Obama.

Marriott surprised Wall Street analysts Tuesday by purchasing Starwood Resorts, creating the world’s largest hotel chain, with one million hotel rooms. They want that mini-bar revenue. Hotel room mini-bars are like time machines in that they show you how much a Pepsi will cost in ten years.

The Los Angeles Dodgers drew great praise in the Los Angeles Times on Tuesday after hiring the team’s first minority manager, the very popular Dave Roberts, to guide the talent-rich Dodgers next year. Dave’s father is black and his mother is Japanese. Every December 7th, he attacks Pearl Bailey.

The Cleveland Browns demoted Johnny Manziel to third-string quarterback after social media video turned up of Johnny partying back in Texas during a bye week. It was ever thus. After one hundred thousand games during a hundred years of football in America, alcohol remains undefeated.

Anheuser-Busch axed its commercial starring the Labrador puppy and the Clydesdale for this year’s Super Bowl because the ad didn’t sell enough beer. The correct pitch is very simple. You might not be a football player, but you can still enjoy the experience of brain damage with Budweiser.

Charlie Sheen’s admission on the Today Show he’s HIV positive is drawing lawsuits from former lovers who say he didn’t use protection or tell them he was infected. One, however, had the sense of humor to send him some bacon-scented underwear. She knows Charlie’s pit bull will just love them.

© Copyright 2015 Argus Hamilton. All Rights Reserved.


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