Argus Hamilton

© Copyright 2014
Friday, September 19, 2014

Argus Hamilton

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Friday, everybody, and God bless America.

Scots went to the polls Thursday to vote whether Scotland will separate from the United Kingdom after three hundred years. This won't be the last time. Three hundred years from now the Iraqis will go to the polls to decide whether Iraq should separate from the United States.

The White House endorsed a proposal Wednesday to require every policeman in America to wear a mini-camera on their lapel while they're on duty. Every arrest would be recorded on tape. The idea's being sold as a way for Americans to keep up with their favorite NFL players.

Arizona Cardinals running back Jonathan Dwyer was arrested in Phoenix Wednesday for assaulting a woman and a child. It's the NFL's fifth spousal abuse and second chold abuse arrest in a month. This leads every American to conclude that Pete Rose isn't that bad a person.

South Africa Olympic star Oscar Pistorious was cleared by his judge to run professionally until his sentencing date in two months for his manslaughter conviction in the shooting death of his fiancee. It shows nature abhors a vacuum. He's just been signed by the Minnesota Vikings.

President Obama is sending three thousand U.S. troops to Africa to battle Ebola Friday. He needs to spend less time in Los Angeles. Sending three thousand soldiers to Africa battle a deadly virus that may mutate and destroy mankind isn't a military operation, it's a movie pitch.

Peter Fonda will auction the Harley Davidson he rode while starring in the movie Easy Rider in the late Sixties. You just had to be there. Hippies believed that if everyone smoked a joint at the same time, we'd have world peace for an hour, followed by a global foot shortage.

The House voted to arm Syria's rebels to fight against ISIS and to find and kill ISIS leader Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi. We've tracked these terrorists down before. It took trillions of dollars, thousands killed and state of the art technology but the U.S. finally found bin Laden, in his house.

Joan Rivers' ENT doctor took a selfie while the patient was under anesthesia during an unauthorized biopsy during her fatal surgery. It cut off Joan's oxygen causing her heart to go into arrest. It happened at New York's Endoscopy Center, make that The Melissa Rivers Hospital.

Joe Biden apologized for referring to loan companies as Shylocks in an Iowa speech and was quickly forgiven by the Anti-Defamation League. We owe him. Back when Americans were too scared of being labeled a racist to tell Obama jokes, Joe Biden was always there for us.

The U.S. Senate dragged Sectretary of State John Kerry through the wringer over whether the U.S. is at war. Last week he said the U.S. isn't at war with ISIS and the next day he admitted we are. John Kerry told the Senate it doesn't matter, it just feels great to be flip-flopping again.

Secretary of State John Kerry was cross-exaimined in the U.S. Senate Wednesday over how the U.S. government intends to pay for a sustained conflict with ISIS terrorists . Kerry replied it's easy. He said we should simply find a really rich country like Switzerland and then marry it.

French police pulled over a speeding limo with Vatican plates Wednesday and found nine pounds of cocaine and a pound of pot. An arrest was made. The cops didn't buy the driver's story that the star in the sky which the Three Wise Men followed to Bethlehem was a Disco Ball.

PC reports a new media site launched called Netropolitan, designed to be a Facebook for rich people. It's six thousand dollars to join and a three thousand dollar a year member's fee. It's so exclusive that for cyber-sex they read each other the L.A. Times Sunday real estate section.


© Copyright 2014 Argus Hamilton. All Rights Reserved.

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