Argus Hamilton

© Copyright 2014
Friday, December 19, 2014

Argus Hamilton

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Friday, everybody, and God bless America.

Hillary Clinton led all Democrats in polls Tuesday and Jeb Bush led all Republicans, setting up the first Clinton-Bush contest since 1992. It was much different then. Back in 1992 the U.S. had troops fighting in Iraq, Russia was collapsing, and Bill Cosby was the most talked about comedian in America.

North Korean hackers threatened terror attacks on movie theaters that played The Interview so Sony canceled the movie's Christmas release. The movie ridicules Kim Jung Un. Now North Dakota is threatening to raise oil prices unless FX casts characters on Fargo who are more witty and appealing.

President Obama announced diplomatic and economic ties with Cuba on Wednesday after fifty five years of U.S. andCuban estrangement. Cuba gave up no political concessions for the privilege. If Sears has any sense of humor at all it will star Fidel Castro in a Super Bowl commercial for the Die Hard.

Fidel Castro praised President Obama as a miracle worker for passing health care reform but he added that Obama is a capitalist-imperialist and a lackey of Wall Street. What a wordsmith. Leave it to Castro to issue a statement that makes both Democrats and Republicans proud of President Obama.

President Obama's establishment of diplomatic ties with Cuba began with negotiations to get Cuba to release jailed U.S. aid worker Alan Gross who's been jailed for five years. Cuba released him Wedensday. The sixty-five-year-old was examined by doctors and then signed by the New York Yankees.

President Obama said negotiations would begin to take Cuba off the U.S. terrorist list. Just last year Cuba's government agreed to allow Cubans to own privare property and to engage in limited capitalism. It may take a Republican president before that kind of thing takes them off the terrorist list.

L.A. prosecutors refused to charge Bill Cosby for a claim by a Gloria Allred client that he drugged her for sex forty years ago. She has three othet clients trying to nail him. Gloria Allred gets a lot of free advertising during the Christmas season because her law office is nicknamed the Nutcracker Suite.

Sony canceled the release of the Interview starring Seth Rogan because it so offends Kim Jung Un that North Korea may attack theaters that run it. Hollywood is chicken. Now it looks like they're going to shelve The Interview the same way they did Bob Hope's 1938 comedy, Hitler's Rectal Hydration.

President Obama lit the National Christmas Tree, a reverential but joyous occasion last weekend near the White House. Every American president has his own approach to religion. Bill Clinton came to Jesus, George W. Bush talked to Jesus, and Barack Obama fills in for Jesus on holidays and weekends.

Forbes magazine reported that superstar LeBron James is drawing huge TV ratings to Cleveland Cavaliers games this season. The competition for viewers was never more lurid. The polls show that basketball is the world's favorite indoor sport, but the other one's got more spectators on the Internet.

Lindsay Lohan said Monday she will live in London permanently now that she's acting onstage there and successfully staying sober. She says policemen even walk her home from the theater. The weirdest feeling in early sobriety is the realization that you and the cops are on the same side now.

Pope Francis was serenaded by a street party outside the Vatican in Rome Wednesday on the occasion of his seventy-eighth birthday. The pope worked his way through Catholic seminary as a bouncer in a Buenos Aires disco back in the Sixties. Now every Monday night in heaven is Ladies Night.

Washington D.C. emergency crews had to be called to restore power Tuesday after a huge power blackout hit government buildings including the State Department during working hours. The offices were dark for two hours. Government workers sat idly doing nothing, and then the electricity went out.


Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood and entertains groups and organizations around the country. E-mail him at

Editors -- This column is also available online at:

© Copyright 2014 Argus Hamilton. All Rights Reserved.

How the First Amendment Came to Protect Topless Dancing: A Citizen's Guide to the Incorporation Doctrine. By Susan Shelley. Kindle Edition.

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