Argus Hamilton


© Copyright 2016

Tuesday, May 24, 2016

Argus Hamilton HOLLYWOOD--God bless America, and how's everybody?

Jack Nicklaus was interviewed on CBS Sunday Morning and he endorsed Donald Trump for president. Jack faces no backlash from the PGA like he would from the NFL. Last month, Tom Brady endorsed Donald Trump for president, automatically triggering the NFL concussion protocols.

NFL bad boy Johnny Manziel was kicked out of Jewel Nightclub in Las Vegas Saturday after an altercation with another customer following a performance by rapper Drake. His trip to rehab didn’t take last year. Johnny Manziel prefers mixed drinks, he likes to mix rum with cocaine and crack.

Clark County water engineers report that the water level in Lake Mead near Las Vegas is at an all-time low. It’s changing daily life. The water level is so low at Lake Mead that the Mafia is having to resort to dumping the bodies of deadbeat gamblers into the Caesar’s Palace swimming pool.

Prime Minister David Cameron ripped Donald Trump’s proposal to ban Muslim immigration, calling it dangerous. The media lets you call Trump any name you like, because he’s a German-American. It could be hundreds of years before Germans can protest being stereotyped as dangerous.

Donald Trump fired back at the New York Times after its piece saying Trump was a serial womanizer was refuted by the women the article quoted. His success speaks for itself. When Donald Trump was thirteen his father told him he could become anything he wanted to be, so he became a sex addict.

Mexico’s former president Vicente Fox said he will meet with Donald Trump if he apologizes for his Cinco de Mayo tweet. It showed Trump eating a taco salad and saying he loves Hispanics. Of course Hispanics were first to point out that a taco salad is basically a salad surrounded by a wall.

Secret Service agents shot a man who tried to enter the South Gate at the White House Friday with a gun in his hand. The shooting occurred three miles from the nearest golf course, so the president was never in any danger. Obama was a little upset that the Secret Service shot a hole in one and he didn’t.

The California High Speed Rail Authority met in Bakersfield to decide which part of the city to demolish for the bullet train to pass. Try restaurant row. If you go into the nicest restaurant in Bakersfield and ask for a table with a view, they sit you down and leave the ladies room door open.

Vice President Joe Biden in a speech Thursday called on Americans to have an uncomfortable conversation with each other on race relations in America. Tensions are high. Black people and white people have a tough time getting along in Los Angeles, because neither one of us speak Spanish.

Boston surgeons performed the first successful penis transplant in America on sixty-four-year-old Thomas Manning Tuesday. Surgeons say trickiest part about a penis transplant is finding a donor. It’s no coincidence that this week security’s been tightened around Wilt Chamberlain’s grave.

American Express collection agents sued Charlie Sheen for his two hundred thousand dollar unpaid balance on Friday. He just listed for sale his house on Mulholland Drive where he’s lived for twenty years. Charlie’s realtor says it’s the perfect house for a young threesome just starting out.

Democrats on Thursday openly worried about rioting at the Democratic Convention by Bernie Sanders fans. They’re fervent. Bernie Sanders is the only seventy-four-year-old man in America who has college girls pointing at him and screaming without standing in a lineup at the police station.

NASA scientists in Houston confirmed Wednesday that government astronomers have tracked down twelve hundred planets in the Milky Way that are capable of sustaining human life. This is big political news. If Trump is elected president everybody in Hollywood doesn’t have to go to Canada.


© Copyright 2016 Argus Hamilton. All Rights Reserved.

 


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