Argus Hamilton

© Copyright 2014

Tuesday, July 28, 2015

Argus Hamilton HOLLYWOOD--God Bless America, and how's everybody?

NASA announced that astronomers working with the Kepler telescope just found another planet in the Milky Way that looks exactly like Earth. It’s eight quadrillion miles away, it orbits a similar sun, and could support human life. Mexico has already named the planet Plan B in case Trump gets elected.

Donald Trump dominated the media coverage of the GOP candidates Thursday when he flew to Texas for a visit to Laredo, located right on the Rio Grande River. He wasn’t entirely unhappy as he toured the U.S. side of the border. When he stood on top of his SUV he could see his clothing factory.

Hillary Clinton shrugged off the New York Times article stating she’s the target of a Justice Department criminal probe on Friday. What comedians love about Hillary is that it didn’t faze her in the least. She’s has been on the brink of disaster so many times, there’s a brass plaque there with her name on it.

Warren Beatty was reported Friday to have finished the year-long editing of his movie about Howard Hughes and he will soon screen it. The Texas billionaire was a Hollywood producer and a womanizer, but he was also a defense contractor and an oilman. If he were alive today he could have united the country.

Congress fielded taxpayer complaints Thursday about the expense of overseas travel junkets for Members of Congress, U.S. Senators, the president and even the first lady. Meanwhile, President Obama landed in Kenya Friday. Apparently he’s decided to track down that birth certificate personally.

President Obama received a joyous welcome to Nairobi Friday when he landed in his ancestral land of Kenya. He pledged medical supplies to a country where doctors still operate with leeches. The procedure is fairly simple, once the doctor exhausts all other options, he refers the patient to a lawyer.

The New York Times reports the Justice Department’s inspector general requested a criminal probe of Hillary Clinton for e-mailing classified information on her private server. It’s against protocol. That information belongs on a classified server because the Russians and Chinese prefer one-stop shopping.

New England Patriots quarterback Tom Brady offered to pay a fine to the NFL for obstructing the Deflate-gate probe but he will never admit he cheated. U.S. law is clear on this. If a handsome sports star admits to deflating his balls, he could get two-to-five years with his own reality show on E! Entertainment TV.

The New York Post reported Friday that rap star Fifty Cent filed for Chapter Eleven bankruptcy protection in the U.S. Bankruptcy Court in Hartford, Connecticut. In his bankruptcy filing the rapper reported that he’s ten to fifty million dollars in debt. If he lived in Greece he’d be considered a rich man.

NFL Hall of Famer Charles Haley was asked by the 49ers to lecture the rookies about off-field behavior and he told them to act more like white guys, saying you never read about them getting high and hitting people. The young rookies weren’t the only ones stunned. Justin Bieber fired his publicist.

The Auto Club predicted Thursday that the nuclear deal with Iran will flood the market with oil and drop the price of gasoline to two dollars a gallon in the U.S. The news infuriated some people. This morning, Prius drivers discovered that it takes hours to scrape off a seven-year-old Obama sticker.

The White House was reported Friday to be in the final stages before announcing the closing of the terrorist prison at Guantanamo Bay Naval Base in Cuba. There’s nothing that Congress can do. The White House is going to place a Blockbuster Video sign in front of it and let nature take its course.

GOP candidate Ben Carson charged Friday that prisons in the U.S. are too luxurious. Like every business, there’s competition. Ever since video surfaced this month that some prisons have personal showers and million dollar, mile-long escape tunnels, we’re losing some of our best prisoners to Mexico.


Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood and entertains groups and organizations around the country. E-mail him at

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© Copyright 2015 Argus Hamilton. All Rights Reserved.


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