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Tiger Woods Jokes
Tiger Woods was stunned by Graeme McDowell's come-from-behind charge Sunday when McDowell sank two long putts to win at the end. Tiger looked very unhappy. He's thinking about going back to the sex addiction clinic in Hattiesburg for their reversal procedure.
Tiger Woods observed the anniversary of his Thanksgiving Day marriage crack-up Thursday by promoting his L.A. golf tournament this week. It's a charity event. All proceeds from the tournament will go to support the Boys Will Be Boys Club of America.
Tiger Woods marked the one-year anniversary of his Thanksgiving Day marriage rupture by discussing his golf game. He always gives it a hundred and ten percent. That's how he wound up giving one hundred percent to his mistresses and ten percent to his wife.
Tiger Woods wrote a Newsweek essay for the anniversary of his Thanksgiving Day marriage crack-up. That night his wife learned of his lovers and wound up getting one hundred million dollars. To this day the very thought of turkey makes Tiger physically ill.
Tiger Woods was falsely identified by hooker Devon James as the man in a porno video with her on Tuesday. What a relief. This is not what his rehab counselors had in mind when they advised Tiger to seek professional help in dealing with his problem.
Tiger Woods was targeted by a porn star with a sex tape Friday but the tape wound up being a hoax. His life is looking up. Since his divorce was finalized Tiger has played very well in the Ryder Cup and he has gotten his accident-free discount back from Allstate.
European captain Colin Montgomerie asked the people of Wales to welcome Tiger Woods with open arms when he arrives Tuesday. That's shrewd gamesmanship. The more open arms that Tiger Woods encounters, the less time he'll have to practice for the golf tournament.
Tiger Woods said Wednesday he was grateful for his warm welcome in Wales for the Ryder Cup. Everybody's pulling for him. Bill Clinton called Tiger and told him to pace himself on the golf course, reminding him that the sport of adultery is bigger than any one athlete.
Tiger Woods was honored in Wales Monday when a local brewer in Cardiff named a beer after him. It's to welcome him to Wales for the Ryder Cup. The Surgeon General's warning on the beer label advises you to erase your text messages when you get home from the pub.
Tiger Woods was selected to be on the U.S. Ryder Cup team by U.S. team captain Corey Pavin on Monday. He told reporters he's in the best shape of his life. Tiger Woods did a marathon while he was home in Orlando on Labor Day, but it was a Baywatch marathon.
Tiger Woods took out a fifty million dollar mortgage on his Florida house Friday, indicating a post-divorce cash-flow problem. He hasn't yet lost all his commercial endorsement deals. Until an ugly mistress turns up, the Lasik Eye Center is standing by him.
Tiger Woods moved into a bachelor pad in downtown Manhattan Tuesday. The local newspapers said he spent the day introducing himself to his new neighbors and letting them know he's moving in there. Neighborhood notification is the law in forty-seven states.
Tiger Woods fired a six-under-par first round Thursday to take the lead in the Barclays. He crushed the ball straight and far. Everything turned around for Tiger the day after his divorce Monday when he hired Charlie Sheen to be his new swing coach.
Tiger Woods admitted publicly Tuesday his divorce from Elin Nordegren has been tough on him. The two hundred million dollar settlement got everyone’s attention. Elin Nordegren will go down in history as the woman who killed the Free Love Movement.
Elin Nordegren spoke to People magazine after her divorce from Tiger Woods Monday. This nightmare is over for her. During divorce proceedings she’s had to go through the three stages of grieving-anger, denial, and dancing around with the settlement check.
Tiger Woods and Elin Nordegren agreed to divorce terms in Florida Monday. This may help him start winning again. It'll be so much easier for him to concentrate on each golf shot now that he doesn't have two hundred million dollars to worry about.
Tiger Woods' divorce was granted Monday precisely nine months after he crashed his Cadillac Escalade. The airbags had a design flaw. The car was going less than twenty miles an hour at impact and secret girlfriends come flying out of the woodwork.
Elin Nordegren Woods petitioned the court to change her name after her divorce decree Monday. He cheated on her with eighteen women. She feels the Woods name is too humiliating so she is asking the court to change her name legally to Nelle Gibson.
Tiger Woods finalized his divorce with Elin Nordegren in Florida Monday, giving the wronged wife five hundred million dollars. It wasn't the first time cheating has been profitable. When Bill Clinton was president the nation was running a surplus.
Tiger Woods told reporters Friday he hopes to be picked for the Ryder Cup team but he refused to discuss his love life. Everyone else does. The Postal Service just announced plans to honor Tiger Woods by putting his photograph on the overnight stamp.
Ryder Cup captain Corey Pavin revealed Monday he may add Tiger Woods to the U.S. Ryder Cup team next month. The format is the U.S. vs. the World. President Obama was asked to serve as referee since he's made it clear he doesn't have a dog in this fight.
The PGA Championship's TV ratings with Tiger Woods out of the hunt Sunday were thirty percent lower than they were last year. That settles one thing. Not only is Tiger Woods going to play in the Ryder Cup, they are going to give him a stroke a hole.
Ryder Cup captain Corey Pavin denied saying he will select Tiger Woods for next month's team even if he doesn't qualify. The slump is awful. Tiger Woods hit rock bottom on Tuesday when he asked Charles Barkley to be his new swing coach.
Tiger Woods said Sunday he'd accept being the captain's pick for the Ryder Cup team and admitted it's been a long year. He's had to move out of his house. Under an Orlando ordinance any house with more than ten women in it is considered a brothel.
Tiger Woods consulted a swing coach Monday before the PGA Championship. He got some great advice. After reviewing video the coach told Tiger to marry a pretend wife and cheat on her, but Liza Minnelli wants more money than he's willing to pay her.
Tiger Woods hit three fans with errant shots at last week's World Golf Championship in Akron. It was bad. You never thought you'd see the day when Tiger Woods could add up his score after each hole by looking down the fairway and counting the wounded.
Tiger Woods teed off in Akron Thursday to defend his Bridgestone World Cup title. He hasn't won once since he stopped lying about his personal life. George Washington never told a lie, which is why he never finished higher than third at Augusta National.
Sports Illustrated released its list of top-earning athletes Monday and listed Tiger Woods as the top earner. The exact figure varies. Tiger Woods made ninety million dollars last year, or as Elin Nordegren calls it, eighty-five million dollars.
Tiger Woods was rated the top-earning athlete in the world Friday. However, his endorsement income fell after his personal life became public. He was dropped by Gillette, AT&T, Accenture, and Fidelity just laughed when his agent called to ask why.
Tiger Woods and Kobe Bryant tied for first place in a poll asking Americans to name their favorite athlete. It appears that sexual misconduct makes a sports star more popular and marketable. LeBron James has just hired Al Gore to be his life coach.
Tiger Woods teed off in the British Open at St. Andrews Thursday which he hopes to win using a new putter. He didn't have a choice. The putter he's used for years hit him in the head and left him after catching him fooling around with other putters.
Tiger Woods arrived in Scotland Monday to get ready for the British Open at St. Andrews. They love him there. When the Scots read that Tiger Woods saved money by making his mistresses fly Southwest to meet him, they adopted him as one of their own.
Tiger Woods was asked by Irish reporters Monday if his womanizing was worth all it's cost him. The reporter wasn't being nosy. He was just tired of the lying on Internet user reviews and wanted to know if these hostesses are worth what they charge.
Tiger Woods was interviewed by the FBI about an HGH-selling doctor Friday. His agent said the golfer has done absolutely nothing wrong. It's scary to think Tiger is represented by an agent who hasn't picked up a newspaper since Thanksgiving weekend.
The London Sun said Monday that Elin Nordegren will get seven hundred and fifty million dollars in her divorce from Tiger Woods. At last he can get back to golf. He's just hired a new swing coach who will teach him how to hit delete on his iPhone.
The U.S. Open at Pebble Beach drew big ratings for NBC Sunday as late West Coast tee times put Tiger Woods in prime time in the Central and Eastern time zones. His tee shots all wound up in the deep rough. You'd think his caddie would warn him not to text while driving.
Tiger Woods blamed bumpy greens for his slow start in the U.S. Open Thursday and he blamed his caddie for his weak finish Sunday. He's cranky when he's tired. Tiger Woods looks like he hasn't gotten a good night's sleep since he stopped sleeping around.
Tiger Woods fell in the U.S. Open at Pebble Beach Sunday after a thrilling third round gave him a chance to win. He was paired with Vijay Singh on Saturday and with Gregory Havret on Sunday. The idea is to get Tiger used to the idea of twosomes again.
Tiger Woods seeks his first major win in two years at Pebble Beach today. It's hard to stay on top nowadays. You have to work hard, stay healthy and you have to have a trainer who's willing to go to jail rather than testify about your urine sample.
Tiger Woods will tee off in the U.S. Open today at the Pebble Beach Golf Club in California. He'll be playing with two other golfers. When the papers reported that Tiger Woods would be playing in a threesome the National Enquirer sent a photographer.
Tiger Woods said Monday his foundation will open two new learning centers this fall in Washington. The learning centers will bring the golfer together with local schoolchildren. They'll teach Tiger how to erase text messages before mommy sees them.
Tiger Woods hit three spectators with golf shots during the final round of the Memorial on Sunday. Somehow he ended up three-under-par. It's easy for Tiger Woods to keep score on each hole, he just looks back down the fairway and counts the wounded.
Tiger Woods agreed to participate in a skins game Wednesday in a charity pro-am before the Memorial Tournament. He was surprised to see Jack Nicklaus and the huge crowd waiting for him at the first tee. He thought he was signing up for a skin flick.
Tiger Woods will tune up for the U.S. Open in this week's Memorial in Ohio. He's pursuing two golfing records. He needs five more majors to break Jack Nicklaus's record and a divorce settlement over a hundred million dollars to break Greg Norman's.
Dr. Anthony Galea was indicted Friday for giving athletes performance- enhancing drugs. It could open up the prescription drug records of Alex Rodriguez and Tiger Woods. Soon anyone with a computer will have the recipe to Hugh Hefner's Secret Sauce.
Gloria Allred went after Roman Polanski on Friday with a new allegation of sex with a minor twenty years ago in Paris. The celebrity attorney is giving Tiger Woods a break. It's the best evidence yet he gambled away all his money two years ago.
Golf Channel star Hank Haney announced Tuesday he's resigning as Tiger Woods' swing coach after they worked together for nine years. It was the same old story. He decided to leave Tiger after he heard Woods was cheating on him with another coach.
Tiger Woods was reported Tuesday to have agreed with his wife Elin to file for divorce in Sweden. He was raised in Los Angeles where people are generally wary of a marital commitment. You're talking about one or two years out of a person's life.
Tiger Woods missed the cut at Quail Hollow in his first public appearance since his sex scandal broke. Golf fans greeted him warmly during the practice rounds. He always warms up with brunettes and redheads before he plays for real with the blondes.
Tiger Woods plays in the Quail Hollow Championship in Charlotte Friday in his first public appearance since his scandal broke. There'll be no one on the course to keep the women away from him. He's been looking forward to this day for a long time.
Tiger Woods' wife Elin Nordegren left him in Florida Tuesday and flew home to Sweden accompanied by their kids. How angry is she? A lot of women get mad enough to go home to their mothers, but how many will fly through volcanic ash to get there?
The FAA admitted it grounded the plane that flew banners over Augusta National to heckle Tiger Woods last week. It's obvious what happened. Barack Obama tried three times to hit the plane with lightning and when he couldn't he called up the FAA.
CBS Sports anchor Jim Nantz denounced Tiger Woods Monday for his on-the-course swearing at the Masters. The expletives were broadcast live on the air. The reason he had ninety security guards was to keep him from being killed by a rival rap label.
Charles Barkley urged the news media on Tuesday to leave Tiger Woods alone and permit him to get his life together. The NBA legend relates to Tiger's problems. His own golf swing is so bad it just qualified for a government subsidy as a windmill.
Tiger Woods angered golfers Wednesday by comparing his comeback to Ben Hogan's comeback after a car wreck. Ben threw himself in front of his wife to protect her during a head-on crash. He was with his wife, so it had nothing to do with Tiger Woods.
Tiger Woods refused to apologize for his swearing at the Masters Sunday, saying that's how he feels about poor shots. He's a changed man. Tiger Woods has stopped pursuing Jack Nicklaus' records and he's begun listening to Richard Pryor's records.
Phil Mickelson won the Masters on Sunday to the joy of a wildly cheering crowd at Augusta National Golf Club. All he talked about was his commitment to his wife and children. Look, it's one thing to beat Tiger Woods, it's another thing to pile on.
Tiger Woods took full responsibility for his Masters tournament play Sunday. He was sweet and accommodating and humble to fans and reporters all week long. No one knows if the operation was done in Mississippi or if Elin did it with a kitchen knife.
Tiger Woods was in a Nike ad Sunday in which the voice of his late father asks him if he's learned anything. His dad was a womanizer, too. One of Tiger's earliest childhood memories is back when he and his dad used to go fishing together at Hooters.
Augusta National chairman Billy Payne reminded the news media Thursday that the Masters doesn't rely on TV ratings. It doesn't affect the club members one way or another whether Tiger's playing. The sport of drinking is bigger than any one athlete.
Tiger Woods teed off in the Masters Thursday shadowed by ninety armed security guards down every fairway. His playing partners were KJ Choi and Matt Kuchar. It just confirmed reports in the tabloids that he's been involved in threesomes with men.
John Daly set up a shop in an RV parked across from the Augusta National Golf Club entrance Wednesday to sell John Daly merchandise. He can't play this year. Tiger Woods's security guards have instructions not to allow any big-chested blondes on the course.
Tiger Woods told reporters he'd been to rehab, suggesting that his days of wild living are over. Now we know why he needs ninety security guards to keep people away from him. Everyone knows he has got a billion dollars and nothing to spend it on.
Tiger Woods will tee it up in the Masters Thursday after a five-month absence from the PGA Tour to attend to personal problems. He's worked himself back into top shape. Tiger Woods did a marathon over Easter weekend, but it was a Baywatch marathon.
Tiger Woods held a press conference at Augusta Monday. He refused to admit why he was in rehab or why he was snoring on the street after his car wreck. He did deny using performance-enhancing drugs, which had to be a big disappointment to Pfizer.
Mark O'Meara played a practice round with Tiger Woods Sunday at Augusta. After the round he told reporters that Tiger was swinging well. His Blackberry went off five times on the first tee alone and all the calls were from the Las Vegas area code.
Tiger Woods will be protected on the Augusta course Thursday by ninety security guards including former FBI and Secret Service agents. They can't protect him from all trouble. It would be just like some sniper to climb up on a hill and take off her top.
Tiger Woods plays in the Masters this week hoping to put his sex scandal behind him. It's been great for his home city. Womanizers and comedians come to Orlando from all over the world in the belief that bathing in the water will cure their slump.
Vanity Fair's new issue Friday blames Tiger Woods' downfall on his hanging out with Charles Barkley and Michael Jordan in Las Vegas. One's a drinker, one's a gambler and one's an adulterer. The Las Vegas City Council repealed three of the Ten Commandments because free rooms weren't enough to attract their blackjack business.
Tiger Woods agreed to face reporters in Augusta before the Masters begins next week. He admitted he's got a lot of work to do in his marriage. In a related story, Ricky Martin ended years of rumor and speculation by admitting that he's Puerto Rican.
Tiger Woods announced Wednesday he will meet with the press next Monday before the Masters begins. At long last a brunette has surfaced. Late last night Sandra Bullock stopped by his home in Florida and asked Elin if she can borrow her nine iron.
Augusta National warned ticket holders for next week's Masters tournament to be on their best behavior while Tiger Woods is playing. No one knows how the gallery will react to him. It could be the first Girls Gone Wild video ever broadcast on network television.
Tiger Woods flew to Georgia Monday where he played a practice round at Augusta National to prepare for the Masters. He's been treated for sex addiction. Sexual addiction is medically defined as the use of money to get even with junior high school.
Tiger Woods's return in the Masters sent ticket prices through the roof Monday as CBS prepared for huge ratings. Public interest in golf is at an all-time high. That is because nobody understands the health care bill but everybody understands sex.
Tiger Woods gave interviews to the Golf Channel and to ESPN Sunday in which he discussed aspects of his sexual recovery program. Giving up your old behavior is a full-time task. Seeing midgets on the side is not proof that you're tapering off.
CBS Sports promoted Tiger Woods's return to the Masters in April as the biggest media event since President Obama's inauguration day. The president loves golf and Tiger loves adultery. If they would swap jobs it might go better for both of them.
Tiger Woods angered golf purists Tuesday for selecting the hallowed Masters as his return venue. His image is in tatters. In a poll last week a thousand blondes were asked if they would sleep with Tiger Woods and sixty percent replied never again.
Tiger Woods announced Tuesday he will return to the PGA tour at the Masters in Augusta in April. Bookmakers made him a four-to-one favorite. Augusta National Country Club does not allow women so you figure his concentration should be excellent.
Tiger Woods enlisted the aid of public relations advisor Ari Fleischer to help him handle the media Monday. He needs improvement. Tiger's last press conference was so robotic that TV viewers thought it was an infomercial for a high-tech sex doll.
Tiger Woods was reported Friday to be planning a return to the PGA Tour at the Masters in Augusta. He's been practicing but no one knows if he's ready. Everyone is waiting to see if he can drive three hundred yards without hitting a fire hydrant.
Howard Stern hosted a beauty pageant of Tiger Woods's mistresses, who competed by modeling lingerie and telling Tiger sex stories. Ratings were huge. If the Miss America Pageant wants a new TV contract they have their work cut out for them.
Tiger Woods hired former White House spokesman Ari Fleischer Tuesday to advise him. Ari can handle the media onslaught. What's a little adultery scandal when you can look the country in the eye and say Saddam Hussein had weapons of mass destruction?
Golf World said Bill Clinton gave Tiger Woods a phone call of encouragement on Friday. The former president certainly has some experience in this to share with him. The best guess is that forty-two days of rehab were just undone by one phone call.
Tiger Woods reconciled with his wife Elin in Orlando Friday. He's amazing. Any guy who can make up with his wife without getting sued for breach of promise by any one of his fifteen mistresses has what we call in Los Angeles, good people skills.
Tiger Woods was dropped by Gatorade as its TV commercial spokesman Tuesday. It was the first corporate response to his apology. There's a lot of money at stake here, and Gatorade doesn't want credit for the energy lift that broke up his marriage.
Tiger Woods returned to his Florida home from Arizona Tuesday where he finally began practicing golf. He hasn't yet announced when he will return to the game which made him internationally famous. It all depends upon his wife's travel schedule.
Tiger Woods won a CBS poll of womanizers Americans are most likely to forgive. He outpolled Charlie Sheen, John Edwards and Roman Polanksi. CBS wanted to put him in a match-up he could win to help him get his confidence back in time for the Masters.
Tiger Woods checked out of sex rehab and into a drug rehab last week. Sex rehabs turn you into a drug addict, drug rehabs turn you into an alcoholic, and alcohol rehabs turn you back into a sex addict. America can power windmills with this kind of energy.
Tiger Woods threatened to sue animal-welfare group PETA after they tried to put his photo on billboards saying Too Much Sex Can Be a Bad Thing. It's obviously not a real endorsement. It would be like putting Dick Cheney's picture on a Christmas card saying Peace on Earth.
Tiger Woods checked into an Arizona rehab for painkillers Tuesday. He just left sex rehab. USA Today showed a map of the United States with a red dot on the map every place where a Tiger Woods mistress lives, and he has better coverage than Verizon.
Tiger Woods checked into a new clinic in Arizona Monday. He went to a rehab in Mississippi to treat his sex addiction, then to Arizona to deal with his prescription drug use. After that he goes to New York City where his next apology opens off-Broadway.
John Daly signed to do commercials for Slix Closer boxer short men's underwear Monday. He didn't only make money on the endorsement. He also won a bet that there is at least one white, blonde, big-chested underwear model that Tiger Woods won't date.
Tiger Woods announced Friday that he's committed himself to Buddhism to aid in his recovery. His commitment to Calvinist self-denial wasn't working out so well. Calvinism teaches if you can't be a good example you can always be a horrible warning.
Tiger Woods was retained by Nike Saturday to endorse Nike golf balls. He's had no offers to endorse SUVs. The difference between Tiger Woods' golf ball and his SUV is that he can drive his golf ball three hundred yards without hitting a tree.
Tiger Woods received a barrage of bad reviews after his televised apology to the nation for his serial womanizing. The public has seen a lot better. Richard Nixon looked more relaxed when he resigned office and he looked a lot more remorseful.
Hollywood porno star Joslyn James demanded an apology from Tiger Woods Friday and she may demand damages. These women think he's Santa Claus, and he's not. The difference between Tiger Woods and Santa Claus is that Santa stops after the third ho.
Tiger Woods apologized for his adultery Friday, vowing he will embrace Buddhism to aid in his recovery. The staged event was so narcissistic and self-centered it may have backfired. Buddha severed his endorsement deal with Tiger Woods the next day.
The PGA headquarters in Florida hosted Tiger Woods' televised apology to his trusted friends on Friday. He issued his declaration and refused to take questions. The question is, if Tiger Woods' mother is from Thailand, how did he become North Korean?
Hollywood porn star Joslyn James demanded a personal apology from Tiger Woods Friday in a nationally televised press conference from Los Angeles. Her attorney said this isn't about money. She's just publicizing her new movie, Debbie Does Augusta.
Tiger Woods held a press briefing Friday to discuss his sexual recovery program. The game itself will help him get well. Golf is the only sport that allows you to spend all afternoon with three hookers without losing your wife and your house.
Tiger Woods ended his time at a sex addiction rehab in Mississippi Tuesday and went home. The treatment program is very structured. In one month they taper you off from twelve women to six women to three women to one woman and finally to midgets.
Forbes said Tiger Woods will make eighty million dollars this year with Electronic Arts and Gillette and Nike. He's perfect for them. No one doubts that he needs running shoes, he knows something about close shaves, and EA's Tiger game is now for adults only.
Tiger Woods was reported Friday returning to Accenture's match play tournament in Arizona. The ratings should be great. Over the course of a week the field of sixty-four is reduced to one and if his wife doesn't win this year she gets everything.
Peyton Manning was voted most likely to replace Tiger Woods as the world's top male role model Tuesday. It takes skill. You have to be able to read the defense and know instinctively if you need to be a flatterer, play hard-to-get, or just slip something into her drink.
Phil Mickelson was accused of cheating during the Farmers Insurance Open in La Jolla. He used the twenty-year-old Ping Wedge Two with now-illegal square grooves for maximum backspin at impact. One clunk and Tiger Woods was on his way to sex rehab.
Tom Watson criticized Tiger Woods for his sexual misbehavior Friday, saying he must make amends and show humility when he returns. He added that Tiger's swearing and club-throwing projects the wrong image for golf. He's right, this isn't ladies' tennis.
Tiger Woods was reported Monday to be residing in his own villa at a Hattiesburg sex rehab instead of in the patient dorm. This place is in deepest Mississippi. They almost kicked Tiger out when they found out he's not related to any of his mistresses.
Tiger Woods was photographed in a sex addiction rehab clinic in Hattiesburg on Thursday. There's a good reason he chose the clinic in Mississippi. There's still a tunnel from the Underground Railroad there and he's smuggling in blondes from Canada.
Tiger Woods checked into a Mississippi sex rehab Monday where he's begun making amends. He gave three million dollars to Haiti. That's one million for earthquake victims and two million to blunt the criticism that none of his mistresses were black.
Tiger Woods reportedly donated three million dollars Monday to the Wyclef Jean relief organization for rebuilding Haiti. He gave the money without thinking twice about it. Whenever the earth moves it costs Tiger Woods another three million dollars.
Tiger Woods was reported Tuesday to have checked into a sex addiction rehab in Mississippi. How'd they talk him into going there? Mississippi has got a treatment for Tiger Woods' disorder which in forty-nine other states is considered a hate crime.
President Obama ridiculed GOP Senate candidate Scott Brown for driving a Chevy truck during his speech in Boston Sunday. It wasn't helpful. Tiger Woods just got fired as the spokesman for General Motors and the new guy's not working out any better.
Tiger Woods reportedly checked himself into a sex rehab located in Hattiesburg Friday. What a place for a sex rehab. The female students at Southern Mississippi are so gorgeous that Fox News operates a minor league club there just to sign them all.
President Obama told People magazine that he believes Tiger Woods can rehabilitate himself. His philosophy is simple. The president thinks anybody can look within themselves, find their flaws, and blame them on obscene bonuses for bankers.
Brit Hume urged Tiger Woods to turn from his Buddhist faith to Christianity to turn his life around. Buddhism has no concept of sin. The only reason the Motion Picture Academy hands out Oscars each year is because Buddhas are a little overweight.
Warren Beatty is the subject of a biography called Star: How Warren Beatty Seduced America. The movie star admits bedding twelve thousand women. Tiger Woods just told Jack Nicklaus to rest easy, he has decided to go after Warren Beatty's record instead.
Tiger Woods' wife Elin Nordegren was reported Tuesday seeking a three hundred million dollar divorce settlement. She could be the one who gets all the golfing equipment endorsements from now on. Who wouldn't want to buy the clubs that beat Tiger?
Brit Hume said on Fox News Sunday that Tiger Woods should convert from his Buddhist faith to Christianity as a way to change his life. The golfer is well on his way. He gave every comedian in the United States thirty minutes for Christmas.
Tiger Woods lost his lucrative AT&T endorsement deal on Friday. He was calling fifteen mistresses every morning, texting them all afternoon, and having phone sex with them every night. AT&T had no choice, the employee discount was breaking the company.
The New York Post quoted Tiger Woods' close friends who say he's shopping for rehabs. There aren't that many to choose from. Addiction to cocktail waitresses is fairly common but the number of people who want to kick the habit is fairly small.
Christmas Day began a media frenzy over the attempted bombing of the Northwest flight. The whole world focused on the al-Qaeda bomber from Nigeria and the Dutch hero who saved that plane. It's the first peaceful day Tiger Woods has had in a month.
Golf Digest suspended Tiger Woods's monthly instructional golf articles Friday, continuing his free-fall in sponsor support. Not all of Tiger's corporate sponsors have bailed out. Until an ugly mistress turns up, Lasik Eye Center is standing by him.
Tiger Woods's wife Elin reportedly hired Beverly Hills divorce attorney Sorrell Trope. She's angry that Tiger won't go to rehab for sex and drugs. A married man can forget his mistakes, there is no use two people remembering the same thing.
Tiger Woods's mistresses were analyzed by region Monday and it was found that most of the women who admitted having affairs with him live in Las Vegas. After a month of revelations, one thing is clear. The only thing that stays in Las Vegas is O.J. Simpson.
Mattel's Barbie doll was reported the top selling Christmas toy this year. She is completely up-to-date. Barbie's Dream House now has a nine-iron in the umbrella stand in case Ken starts going to the toy stores and looking at the other Barbie dolls.
Tiger Woods's wife Elin contacted a divorce lawyer on Friday after a fifteenth mistress came out to the tabloids. The list keeps growing. The Postal Service just announced plans to honor Tiger Woods by putting his photograph on the overnight stamp.
John Daly went on CBS News Monday to show that he just lost one hundred pounds with lap band surgery. He was able to cure his problem with surgery. If Elin Woods had picked up a scalpel instead of a nine-iron the same might be said for Tiger Woods.
Tiger Woods caught heat from civil rights leaders Monday about all fifteen of his mistresses being white and none of them being black. You can understand their outrage. President Eisenhower used to send in the National Guard over ratios like this.
Charles Barkley and Michael Jordan publicly begged Tiger Woods to contact them Friday. He's changed his cell phone number and gone underground. If they can switch his addiction from sex to gambling they can save his career because cards don't talk.
Tiger Woods was named Athlete of the Decade by the Associated Press last week. His career is by no means over. In addition to going after Jack Nicklaus's record for most majors he's now in sight of Michael Jordan's record for biggest divorce settlement.
Tiger Woods was reported house hunting in France to escape his daily shaming in the U.S. and British media. The idea isn't new. Two centuries ago Thomas Jefferson purchased Louisiana so he could enjoy an occasional weekend getaway from the Puritans.
London bookmakers began laying odds on how much money Tiger Woods will have to shell out in a divorce settlement with Elin Nordegren. The overs-and-unders is two hundred million dollars. They already agreed to split the house, he gets the outside.
Tiger Woods's approval ratings tumbled fifty-five points in last week's Gallup Poll. He tied George W. Bush's record fifty-five point drop when the war went wrong. It shows that pronunciation doesn't matter, you can be brought down by Iraq or a rack.
Tiger Woods's doctor was arrested in Canada for smuggling human growth hormone. In hindsight you can see it. There were the sudden muscles, the rage, the bad language and the Maris family sitting in the gallery at the last four tournaments.
Tiger Woods registered a fifty-five point approval rating plunge in the Gallup Poll Tuesday with women especially outraged. Sixty-seven percent of all women in America said they're disappointed in him. Each of them thought they were the only one.
The New York Times said Tuesday that Dr. Anthony Galea who treated Tiger Woods in Florida was arrested in Canada for smuggling human growth hormone and other performance-enhancing drugs. Now Tiger's in trouble with Anglo-Saxons. That's cheating.
Tiger Woods took a break from the PGA Tour Monday to try to reconcile with his wife and rebuild his image. We've learned one thing. Tiger Woods is an even greater golfer than anyone could have imagined now that we know he never had time to practice.
Jack Nicklaus said Friday Tiger Woods will eventually figure things out and be forgiven by the public. How gracious. Until now Tiger's goal was to break Jack's record for most major career wins and Wilt Chamberlain's record for most career sacks.
The New York Post reported Thursday that Elin Nordegren decided not to divorce Tiger Woods and stay together despite all the cheating and public humiliation. She almost killed her husband. Tiger's just lucky that Charles Barkley is her swing coach.
Tiger Woods was caught by the tabloids picking up Orlando waitress Mindy Lawton and having sex in his car in a church parking lot. No wonder he got caught. When you're carrying on like that it's a really bad idea to give God your exact coordinates.
Tiger Woods was publicly advised by addiction experts to go to rehab at Sierra Tucson. He's so competitive. Even when he took the twenty-question quiz to find out if he's a sex addict he shot a perfect twenty and got an endorsement deal from Trojan.
Yahoo said the Tiger Woods scandal is the best thing for web traffic since Michael Jackson's death. It's a foolproof mixture of fame, money, sex and Vicodin. Amtrak will be profitable if they can think of a way to put advertising next to a train wreck.
U.S. Congressman Joe Baca withdrew his bill to award Tiger Woods a Congressional Gold Medal Wednesday. It wasn't a decision made lightly. Congress reviewed all the records for screwing people and decided they deserve to keep all the medals themselves.
Yahoo reported that the Tiger Woods scandal resulted in a huge boom for Web traffic at gossip sites. Nobody knows if these stories are credible. It's well known that a lie can make it halfway around the world and back before Tiger can get his pants on.
Gatorade announced Tuesday it's dropping its Tiger Woods sports drink called Tiger Focus. The name has taken on a negative association. To avoid the same problem the Detroit Tigers are going to change their name to the Michigan Tigers.
Florida police issued an eyewitness report saying Tiger Woods was drinking alcohol the night of his wreck. He also had prescriptions for Ambien and Vicodin. Just add a car to this combination and it's easier to crash than a White House state dinner.
Gatorade dropped plans Tuesday to market a Tiger Woods sports drink called Tiger Focus. It's formulated to improve stamina and concentration. Instead of Tiger they're going to hire Dave Letterman to endorse the drink and call it Pace Yourself.
Tiger Woods's wife Elin Nordegren was reported Tuesday to have bought a home in Sweden and moved out of their Florida house. It couldn't last forever. For years he did a great job of keeping her in line, no matter how many women were ahead of her.
Golf Digest's cover article, printed too soon to retract, is called Top Ten Tips Obama Can Take from Tiger Woods. The cover shows Tiger posing as the president's caddy. Next month's cover shows Bill Clinton caddying and giving tips to Tiger Woods.
The National Enquirer got pictures of Tiger Woods picking up a Florida pancake house waitress and going back to her trailer home. No wonder he got caught. If you engage in this kind of behavior long enough eventually you're going to meet Paula Jones.
Tiger Woods offered his wife fifty million dollars Friday as his facial wounds healed. It was ever thus. Someday writers of love songs are going to be held liable for the damages caused by their products, the same as tobacco companies and gunmakers.
Swedish golf star Jesper Parnevik said last week he regretted fixing up his children's nanny Elin with Tiger Woods in the first place. The rules of golf are strict. You're allowed to have fourteen clubs in your bag, however you are not allowed to have a club hostess.
Tiger Woods absolved his wife Elin of all wrongdoing Wednesday, saying she was blameless in their domestic spat. What choice does he have? If his wife goes to prison for attacking him with a golf club he'll have to start paying a babysitter.
Tiger Woods was overheard Thursday begging mistress Jamiee Grubbs to remove her name from her caller ID number. It was urgent. His wife scrolled through his list of callers and she refused to believe that Jamiee Grubbs was a luncheonette in Augusta.
Elin Woods was reportedly holding a pitching wedge or a sand wedge when police found her standing over her bloodied husband. There's a big difference between the two clubs. You use a pitching wedge to cut a lip and a sand wedge to crush a skull.
Tiger Woods apologized for his adultery Wednesday. He cheated on his wife with a mistress, cheated on the mistress with a waitress, then cheated on the waitress with the hostess. Nobody bought his original story that he signed the wrong scorecard.
Tiger Woods was reported on CNBC to have offered Elin fifty-five million dollars to stay in the marriage for seven years and never tell her story. This might work out. It could put the spice back in the marriage if she takes money to sleep with him.
Nike and Gatorade and Gillette backed Tiger Woods on Thursday. The endorsement contracts have a morals clause. It cancels the deal if he does something the company considers immoral like, for instance, if Tiger starts flipping houses they don't have to pay him.
L.A. waitress Jamiee Grubbs played a recorded message from Tiger Woods asking her to hide the affair. She's a cocktail waitress and a receptionist at a medical marijuana store. That means she's just a cocaine connection away from earning her masters in Los Angeles studies.
Tiger Woods's neighbors said both Tiger's mother and his mother-in-law were in the house when he crashed. It won't happen again. The NFL has agreed to air games next Thanksgiving until two in the morning to keep relatives from talking to each other.
Tiger Woods apologized for his transgressions Tuesday as proof of his adultery surfaced. He cheated on his wife with a mistress then he cheated on his mistress with a waitress. Premier Silvio Berlusconi just awarded him Italy's Medal of Freedom.
Tiger Woods came clean about his adultery Tuesday when sordid and sleazy voicemails he left for his mistress were aired. It had to be a humbling moment for the greatest golfer ever. For all his titles and all his victories, sex remains undefeated.
President Obama gave a speech Tuesday detailing how he plans to get out of Afghanistan. He pre-empted A Charlie Brown Christmas on ABC. It'll air next week unless it's pre-empted by Tiger Woods's speech detailing how he plans to get out of the house.
Tiger Woods was named as a lover by a Las Vegas waitress Monday. His wife will come out of this fine. By the time this is over Elin will have her name on a new line of golf clubs with the shafts bent exactly in the shape of her husband's profile.
Florida police cited Tiger Woods for careless driving Tuesday, however his wife Elin is not out of trouble for smashing the Escalade window with a golf club. The law's clear. Cadillac is owned by the taxpayers and it's a crime to deface U.S. currency.
President Obama was shown in a photo with Michaela Salahi at a polo match five years ago. The beautiful blonde somehow got into the state dinner without an invite. Tiger Woods called the president and told him not to leave the golf clubs by the door.
Florida cops investigated the car crash that ended up with Tiger Woods knocked out and his wife holding a golf club over him. They say no alcohol was involved. It's a perfect chance for John Daly to step forward and point out that sobriety kills.
Tiger Woods announced Monday he's canceling his appearance at the charity golf tourney he sponsors in suburban Los Angeles. He explained in a prepared statement that he was injured. You don't need to look at his MRI to see that he pulled a Clinton.
The global climate conference meets in Copenhagen this week to propose national controls on industry and people to battle global warming. It's a phantom issue. Last night it was so cold in Florida that Tiger Woods' wife was sticking to her story.
Tiger Woods hit a fire hydrant and a tree while backing out of his driveway in his Escalade. Scrutiny was intense. Johnny Miller said considering the narrowness of the driveway and the placement of the fire hydrant, he should have gone with the Buick.
Tiger Woods was found by cops Thursday lying on the street bleeding with his Swedish blonde wife standing over him with a six-iron. How chilling. It made people wonder for the first time in fifteen years if it's possible that O.J. killed Nicole in self-defense.
© Copyright 2009 Argus Hamilton. All Rights Reserved.
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