Eliot Spitzer Jokes
4-11-08 Eliot Spitzer was swarmed by photographers Tuesday when he arrived at New York University Medical Center. No one knows why. His friends have been concerned about his health ever since they found out he coughed up four thousand dollars for a hooker.
4-7-08 The Mayflower Hotel said its gift shop has sold out of souvenirs since the Eliot Spitzer sex scandal broke. The former governor spent eighty thousand dollars on hookers. He's so grateful that the ethics rules did not allow him to put that money in Bear Stearns.
4-6-08 Washington's Mayflower Hotel said Thursday its gift shop has sold out of hotel souvenirs since Eliot Spitzer met a hooker there. You know what this means. If Bill Clinton really wants to help Hillary he should shut up and have another sex scandal.
4-4-08 Formula One president Max Mosley was videotaped in an orgy with five hookers Monday in London. The girls were dressed like Nazi officers. Eliot Spitzer just offered his superdelegate vote to whichever candidate agrees to name him Ambassador to Britain.
3-31-08 Rudy Giuliani hinted Friday that he may run for governor of New York after his failed presidential bid. You can't beat the perks. Sure you have to live upstate in Albany, but the governor's mansion has prostitutes coming out of the hot water tap. Eliot Spitzer was linked by receipts Friday to a new call girl ring called the Wicked Models. His therapy isn't that strict. As part of his recovery, Eliot and his wife Silda have been spending their spare time playing Twister with the McGreeveys.
3-26-08 The Gallup Poll said Thursday the economy is the number-one issue with voters. Gas is four dollars a gallon, hotel rooms are two hundred a night and hookers four thousand an hour. A lot of guys are refusing to get married because they can't afford the adultery. The New York Post reported Sunday the FBI was tipped off to Eliot Spitzer's call girl habit by well-known GOP operative Roger Stone. His GOP career hit the skids twelve years ago when he was exposed as a wife swapper. The Republicans think they can carry Ohio by claiming that wife swapping is morally superior to whore mongering.
3-24-08 New York's former governor Eliot Spitzer began undergoing therapy for his sexual addiction on Friday. After his first session he was photographed walking with his dog into the woods. If he calls that tapering off he's seeing a pretty sick therapist.
3-23-08 Playgirl magazine offered Eliot Spitzer a million dollars to pose nude Thursday following the spectacular end of his political career. He's not about to show his ding-a-ling for one million dollars. That doesn't begin to cover what it cost him. New York Governor Dave Paterson was confronted by angry husbands Thursday over his adulterous affairs. They can't attack a man who's legally blind. He can always say these women had the same shape and feel as his wife and it was an honest mistake. New Jersey's ex-Governor Jim McGreevey said he had sex threesomes with his wife and driver. It's the third governor sex scandal. We knew there were pharmaceuticals in the drinking water but we had no idea how much of it is concentrated in the Hudson.
3-21-08 New York Governor David Paterson was blackmailed by a former mistress wielding audiotapes Tuesday, forcing him to admit many affairs. He replaced Eliot Spitzer the day before. The first requirement of a democratic society is continuity in government.
3-20-08 New York's new Governor David Paterson stood with his wife at a press conference Tuesday and admitted having many adulterous affairs over the years. Reporters could draw only one conclusion. Perhaps those little blue pills really do cause vision loss. Princess Diana's butler Paul Burrell was accused during the Princess Diana inquest of stealing the engagement ring off her finger after she died. No one can believe it. It only took Eliot Spitzer a week to move up to second-lowest man on this planet.
3-19-08 Heather Mills was awarded forty-nine million dollars for her divorce from Paul McCartney, which came out to fourteen hundred an hour for their four-year marriage. The decision was easy for the judge. He simply called New York and got the going rate. David Paterson was sworn in as New York's governor Monday by the state's Chief Justice. He got off to a great start. The governor got a standing ovation halfway through the oath of office when he said the word faithfully and his nose didn't grow.
3-18-08 Hustler magazine publisher Larry Flynt offered one million dollars Saturday to Eliot Spitzer's call girl for a nude photo spread. He promised it would be done tastefully. He always uses special lighting to cast moody shadows on the uterine wall. Eliot Spitzer formally resigned as governor of New York Monday because of his sex scandal. There's a reason he hired a New York prostitute to meet him in Washington D.C. for Valentine's Day. Congress had already booked all the Washington D.C. prostitutes. New York's Lieutenant Governor David Paterson of Harlem was sworn in as the new governor of New York in the state capitol in Albany on Monday. Governor Paterson just happens to be legally blind. It's a condition he had even before St. Patrick's Day.
3-17-08 Cal Berkeley scientists used magnetic resonance imaging Friday to read a man's mind. The big breakthrough came when they were finally able to locate a man's brain. In his last act as New York governor, Eliot Spitzer donated his body to science. The New York Times said Friday Eliot Spitzer was still under FBI investigation. They want to see if he procured beautiful call girls with campaign donations. It took ten years, but it looks like Baby Boomers are finally getting the hang of the Internet. Eliot Spitzer's call girl Ashley Dupre permitted the New York Post to publish her modeling photos on Friday. Her legal status is murky. For charging clients by the hour and screwing them she could face charges of practicing law without a license. New York will swear in new governor David Paterson in Albany today. He has no shortage of help. There was a huge rush of job applicants last week after they read in the papers that serving under the governor paid four thousand dollars an hour.
3-16-08 The New York Times identified Eliot Spitzer's call girl on Wednesday as Ashley Dupre. She's twenty-two. No one knows what she did for him that was worth forty-three hundred bucks, but Viagra just added resignation to its list of possible side effects. Eliot Spitzer bought Ashley Dupre a train ticket to Washington for their paid sex romp. Talk about American ingenuity. Terrorists never dreamed you could put a weapon of mass destruction on a train and drive it right into the governor's mansion. Ashley Dupre's recorded pop song was downloaded four million times after she met Eliot Spitzer at the Mayflower. She's on her way to a big recording career. Paris Hilton can't believe she owns a hundred thousand hotel rooms and never thought of this.
3-14-08 New York Governor Eliot Spitzer resigned Wednesday after it was learned he had spent eighty thousand dollars on hookers. His career is far from over. He woke up the next day to find himself leading all the polls to be the next president of France. Wall Street cheered the fall of its longtime nemesis Eliot Spitzer Tuesday. He was caught by the new banking rules in the Patriot Act. Al-Qaeda always wanted to nail a crusader but they never thought they would get any help from the White House. Eliot Spitzer made large cash transfers to a hooker in February, which triggered his wiretap. The feds have their hands full now. Arnold Schwarzenegger triggers the same wiretap every time he withdraws four thousand dollars to fill up his Hummer. Eliot Spitzer admitted Tuesday he spent four thousand dollars to have sex with a call girl for two hours. People in Los Angeles all had the same reaction. Whether it is transportation or sex or Disneyland, in this day and age, nobody rides for free.
3-13-08 Hillary Clinton declined comment Tuesday on New York Governor Eliot Spitzer's prostitute scandal. He was set to support her at the Democratic Party convention. Hillary couldn't have picked a more embarrassing super-delegate if she had married him. New York Governor Eliot Spitzer was pressured to resign Monday after admitting he hired a hooker in a Washington D.C. hotel. The governor's lawyer said the incident was overblown. The guy's not paying five thousand dollars an hour for a gentle breeze. Governor Eliot Spitzer met his prostitute last month at the Mayflower Hotel in Washington D.C. For a hundred years it's been the preferred hotel of congressmen and senators and lobbyists. In every room the Gideon Bibles are chained to the nightstand. New York's former mayor Ed Koch said Monday he thought Governor Spitzer appeared to be working under a lot of strain lately. The governor's friends were urging him to seek professional help. They should have been more specific about which profession. New York State Assembly Republicans vowed Tuesday to impeach Governor Eliot Spitzer if he didn't resign his office, as he negotiated with prosecutors for a way out of this. The governor is desperate to avoid going to prison. He is not that kinky. New York's Lieutenant Governor David Paterson was poised to become governor on Tuesday with Eliot Spitzer's resignation believed imminent. He would be New York's first legally blind governor. You need to be both to get a parking spot in Manhattan.
3-12-08 New York Governor Eliot Spitzer admitted Monday he hired five-thousand-dollar-an-hour prostitutes working in a Manhattan call girl ring. He did it to feed his ego. There simply wasn't enough room in the presidential race for any more New Yorkers. Governor Eliot Spitzer was caught on a federal wiretap procuring a high-priced call girl. One thing is for sure now. Democrats in Congress will reauthorize Jim Crow laws before they allow the president to conduct any more warrantless wiretapping. Governor Spitzer was caught on a federal wiretap arranging to meet a call girl in a famous Washington D.C. hotel. It's not unusual. The number of women who came over on the Mayflower will never equal the number of women who came across at the Mayflower. NBC News in New York reported Monday that Eliot Spitzer introduced himself to the prostitutes using the name George Fox. No Democrat can be linked to Fox and survive. If he had called himself George CNN the party would have rallied to his side. New York politicians formed a chorus calling for Governor Spitzer to resign on Monday in the wake of his call girl scandal. The lieutenant governor who would replace him is legally blind. That's the first good news Wall Street has had all year.
© Copyright 2008 Argus Hamilton. All Rights Reserved. Material may be quoted with attribution. Please identify Argus as "Comedian Argus Hamilton." Click here for the Sunday tidbits® puzzle
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