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Argus Hamilton
© Copyright 2003
Special Collection
Argus Hamilton's
California Recall Election Jokes

November 17, 2003, is the final installment in the California Recall Election Jokes Collection. Keep up with the continuing adventures of the new governor by reading Argus' daily column at www.ArgusHamilton.com.

Argus Hamilton


Inauguration Day

11-17

Arnold Schwarzenegger is inaugurated Governor of California today. What were we thinking? The governor took a pay cut from thirty million a picture to under two hundred thousand a year and he ran as the man who would bring business sense to Sacramento.


11-16

Arnold Schwarzenegger will be sworn in as California governor Monday in what aides say will be a low-key ceremony. There are no inaugural balls or parties. He will greet his supporters in two reception lines marked Consensual and Plaintiffs.


11-12

Arnold Schwarzenegger promised to hire a private eye to check out the groping accusations. His image matters to him. Arnold Schwarzenegger is more than merely the governor of California, he's a quality control engineer for the state's breast implant industry.


11-10

California Attorney General Bill Lockyer told Arnold Schwarzenegger Thursday that the groping allegations won't go away. The governor-elect has restored the faith of a whole lot of skeptics. Comedians now believe there is Life after Clinton.


11-9

Arnold Schwarzenegger is preparing to take office in Sacramento next week. He has admitted to smoking pot, engaging in casual sex and driving a gas guzzler. No one ever thought there would be a Republican that Californians could call their own.

California recall candidate Mary Carey is hosting a pay cable talent show for women who want to be porno stars. What they do is not an industry secret. Regis Philbin turned down the show when it was pitched to the network under the name Who Wants to be an IRS Agent?


11-7

President Bush flew to California Tuesday to visit the town of Alpine. He was there to meet with the state's two governors and to survey the damage. It's obvious that Arnold has taken some hits but there's almost nothing left of Gray Davis.


11-6

Southern California was drenched by rainfall that greatly aided firefighters on Sunday. The governor-elect is operating out of the Four Seasons Hotel in Los Angeles. The four seasons in Los Angeles are wildfires, mudslides, verdict and riot.

The White House was reported split Monday over whether to admit that things aren't going well in Iraq. The president remains unshakable. His advisers made him meet with Gray Davis in California Tuesday to remind him of what can happen.


11-5

Arnold Schwarzenegger toured a disaster relief center in fire-ravaged Claremont Friday to help boost morale. The event had to be held outside so there would be plenty of room for the governor-elect and all the women there. The restraining order says fifty yards.


11-4

Arnold Schwarzenegger flew back to Los Angeles from Washington one day early last Thursday. He couldn't wait to get home. It's that time of year in California when couples love to cuddle up on the couch, turn on the news and enjoy a nice fire.


11-3

The Country Music Awards will air on CBS Wednesday night from Nashville. This is one show California shouldn't host. The governor-elect would have to be led away by the bridle with a blanket over his head if Dolly Parton was in the building.

Arnold Schwarzenegger held a joint press conference with Gray Davis Friday. What a missed opportunity. If voters had known that two weeks after the recall the state would look like a landscape of the moon we could have elected Jerry Brown.


11-2

Hercules air tankers put out California brushfires from the sky Friday. Many homes were saved. The tankers did so well that Mister Universe returned from Washington D.C. a day early when he heard that Hercules was getting all the publicity.

Arnold Schwarzenegger paid a visit to Capitol Hill in Washington Wednesday. He lunched with Ted Kennedy in the Senate dining room. They ended up having to use a cell phone to call Domino's after they asked the waitress if the melons were real.


10-31

Arnold Schwarzenegger asked Congress for aid on Wednesday. The fire threatens everything he holds dear. The Mr. Universe Contest is being held in Venice Beach today, and if the body oil catches fire it will take Red Adair to put out the winner.

Governor Gray Davis denied Wednesday he reacted too slowly to the California wildfires. His legacy will not be pretty. In addition to running a huge surplus into a record deficit and being recalled from office, he just killed Bambi's mother.


10-29

Arnold Schwarzenegger flew to Washington Tuesday to meet California's Congressional delegation. He showed a genuine appreciation for the history of the U.S. Capitol building. Upon arrival, he headed straight to Bob Packwood's old Senate office to pay his respects to the couch.


10-28

Gray Davis held a transition meeting with Arnold Schwarzenegger in Sacramento Thursday. The ousted governor's popularity just hit a new low. Last week someone posted Gray Davis's credit card number on the Internet, and nobody stole his identity.

Arnold Schwarzenegger got a briefing on the California budget Friday to help him figure out how to get the state out of debt. This explains the brushfires. He took one look at the books and decided to burn down the state for the insurance money.


10-27

Arnold Schwarzenegger was visited Thursday by California Attorney General Bill Lockyer about all the sexual harassment charges made against him. The law itself is two-tiered. Under the law in California, if a man talks dirty to a woman, it's sexual harassment, and if a woman talks dirty to a man, it's three dollars a minute.


10-24

Arnold Schwarzenegger on Wednesday named a woman to be his Chief of Staff when he becomes governor in mid-November. He needs a right hand he can trust. His actual right hand is detoxing on grapefruits and cantaloupes at the Betty Ford Center.


10-23

North Korea rejected President Bush's peace offer in exchange for giving up its nuclear weapons. One look at the map tells you why. They need some defense against Arnold Schwarzenegger as much as the Korean peninsula looks like a breast.

The Foreign Secretary of Mexico and his aides met with Arnold Schwarzenegger Tuesday. They demand that Mexicans be allowed to migrate to the U.S. in a legal and orderly way. The Lettuce Pickers Union has all the leverage in California this close to bikini season.


10-22

Arnold Schwarzenegger may live at the Hyatt in Sacramento while he's serving as governor. Good idea. Los Angeles superstars have such a spotless reputation in hotels on the road that his preliminary hearing is already scheduled for January.


10-21

Newsweek last week profiled Rush Limbaugh as a drug addict. The magazine also outed Arnold as a groper and Bill Bennett as a gambler. Now you know why the Republicans were so successful registering young voters in California before the recall election.


10-20

President Bush's grandfather Prescott Bush was revealed Friday to have served as director on a bank connected to Hitler. It had to be a White House leak. What better way for President Bush to win California than to come clean about his Nazi ties.


10-19

President Bush and Arnold Schwarzenegger met in Riverside Thursday. They got together at the Mission Inn. It's where Richard Nixon spent his honeymoon, so you can imagine how spacious the bridal suite is with two hundred million beds in it.

Arnold Schwarzenegger asked President Bush for aid to Sacramento to help the state recover. Eighty percent of Californians think the economy is in bad shape. A pickpocket who works Rodeo Drive came home Saturday night with ten pounds of lint.

Arnold Schwarzenegger asked President Bush for federal aid on Thursday. They were alone in a hotel room for over forty minutes. Arnold had his hands so deep in the President's pockets, Kobe Bryant began to wonder why he is being singled out.


10-16

Dennis Miller was asked by conservatives to run for the U.S. Senate and Will Smith said Monday he wants to be president. It's becoming a cottage industry. By next year, street vendors in Beverly Hills will be selling Maps to the Candidates' Homes.


10-15

Arnold Schwarzenegger got a phone call from Nelson Mandela on Friday. It was just a business call. Nelson Mandela had heard the rape testimony from Colorado and wanted to know if he could interest Kobe Bryant in a South African diamond mine.


10-14

The Kobe Bryant hearing started Thursday with details about the alleged rape as told to detectives by the accuser. It's sad. Kobe Bryant could have stopped when she objected to his groping, but not everyone has what it takes to be governor.

German newspapers went wild on Friday calling on politicians to be more like Arnold Schwarzenegger. Berliners love his personality and his can-do spirit. In a related story, Poland just asked Israel for the name of their dry wall contractor.


10-13

The Republic of Georgia offered to name a mountain for Arnold Schwarzenegger Friday if he will visit the Asian country. It's inappropriate. To properly honor the newly elected governor of California you really need two mountains side by side.

Arnold Schwarzenegger shrugged off sex questions at his first press briefing Thursday. It's a non-issue. Gary Coleman got ten thousand votes from Californians who simply didn't care that he groped women's knees on the set of Different Strokes.


10-12

The Boston Red Sox reached the American League playoffs Wednesday. Their fans are ready to give up ancient superstitions. Bill Clinton and Arnold Schwarzenegger have proved beyond the shadow of a doubt there is no such thing as the Curse of the Babe.

Arnold Schwarzenegger named his transition team Thursday. He is about to get his first look at the budget. The Hubble Telescope was just turned around to get some spectacular pictures from space of Arnold Schwarzenegger colliding with reality.


10-10

The Boston Red Sox defeated the New York Yankees on Wednesday. What a magical night. When the cameras showed women in the bleachers wearing Red Sox logos on their halter tops, Arnold Schwarzenegger called it the feel good story of the year.

Senator Dianne Feinstein said she was stunned at the reasons voters gave her for voting for the recall. It was illegal immigration and not the deficit. She promised every voter she will close her account with Budget and open one with Alamo.

President Bush said Wednesday he will stop in California on his way to Asia to meet with Arnold Schwarzenegger. Why won't he just give up? How many gropers do we have to elect to convince the Republicans that California is Clinton Country?

NBC News announced Wednesday that Maria Shriver will be welcomed back to her job on Dateline and as an NBC weekend anchor. However she won't be allowed to report on any story that involves her husband. What she doesn't know won't hurt her.

Arnold Schwarzenegger vowed to rewrite Indian casino deals for California. A natural antipathy exists. Indians who beat their drums to ward off evil spirits are scorned by Los Angeles residents who honk their horns to clear up traffic jams.


10-9

Germany beat the United States team Sunday in Women's World Cup soccer. They weren't the only Germans who were going for the Women's Cup. However, despite the best effort of the Los Angeles Times, Arnold Schwarzenegger was elected anyway.

Arnold Schwarzenegger won the California governorship Tuesday. Democrats are scrambling to retool their message. They had thought the voters wanted health care and jobs, but it turned out that nothing sells tickets like Hitler and breasts.

Arnold Schwarzenegger's hometown in Graz, Austria, waved torches Tuesday night to celebrate his victory in California. Their joy was unbounded. Due to the language difficulty, they thought they were celebrating his victory over California.

Democrats cried foul Tuesday as the early returns gave Arnold Schwarzenegger a huge lead. Technology made it happen. Some of the touch screens in Brentwood were shaped like grapefruits and Arnold got to spend all morning voting for himself.

Eunice Kennedy Shriver and Maria Shriver stood onstage with Arnold during his victory speech. They heard about his womanizing and steroid use and they knew one thing. No politician will ever tell Arnold Schwarzenegger you're no Jack Kennedy.

Arnold Schwarzenegger appeared onstage Monday with women supporters who call themselves Remarkable Women for Arnold. It's a mature group. Collectively they take so much iron that halfway through each speech, they slowly began turning north.

California election officials expressed relief that no recount was necessary due to faulty equipment on Tuesday. The punch card ballots caused absolutely no problems in Los Angeles County. Hanging Chad spent all day surfing at Redondo Beach.

The Agriculture Department began a probe into the tiger attack on Roy Horn of Siegfried and Roy. They want to know if the tiger was mistreated onstage. Arnold Schwarzenegger wasn't the only German to beat a white cat with a microphone this week.

Californians told pollsters Tuesday they tossed Gray Davis for giving driver's licenses to illegal aliens from Mexico. So that's what did it. If Gray Davis understood the situation he would have made his concession speech in a coonskin cap.

President Bush announced Tuesday he's ready to work with California governor-elect Arnold Schwarzenegger. Leader of the Free World is not enough for this president. He wants tips on how to become Mr. Universe.


10-8

President Bush placed the rebuilding of Iraq directly under White House control Monday. He's had trouble getting any other countries to chip in. The Coalition of the Willing now has fewer members than the Jewish Women for Schwarzenegger Club.

The California Recall Election drew a huge voter turnout Tuesday. Exit polls had bad news for the Democrats. The early returns showed that four households out of five threw out the Los Angeles Times and replaced it with the Limbaugh Letter.

Republicans are furious at the Los Angeles Times for listing so many of Arnold Schwarzenegger's groping episodes just days before the election. It was an epic task. Two more female accusers and the newspaper would have gathered enough names for another recall election.

Gray Davis denied Monday leaking Arnold Schwarzenegger's past sexual antics to the Los Angeles Times. He also denied leaking old quotes of Arnold's which praised Adolf Hitler. Looks are everything out here, and it looks like Gray Davis studied acting under O.J. Simpson at the Rockingham School of Denial.

President Bush addressed a Republican fundraising luncheon in Milwaukee on Friday. Everyone paid two thousand dollars for a turkey sandwich. They only served dark meat, because any Republican who touches a breast is now automatically suspected of being a closet Nazi.


10-7 * Election Day *

President Bush assured Americans Saturday of progress in Iraq. He's proud he toppled Saddam Hussein for being an immoral fascist. It gives you the feeling that General Tommy Franks is working on the timetable for the next California recall.

Los Angeles set up two dozen early-voting polling places equipped with touch screens last week. Exit polls show most people split their vote. By and large, Californians are fine with the groping, but the Nazi thing is a little over the top.

Arnold Schwarzenegger was accused Sunday of more misbehavior with women. His victims feel degraded. One woman said she walked by him in a bar ten years ago and heard him call her a nine and it just dawned on her that he was speaking German.

The Oakland Tribune withdrew its endorsement of Arnold Schwarzenegger Friday, saying his boorish behavior borders on sexual assault. It's another brilliant Arnold head-fake. By disregarding borders he's winning over Hispanic voters in droves.


10-6

Arnold Schwarzenegger was accused Friday of praising Adolf Hitler in an old biography interview. The scrutiny is unrelenting. Arnold Schwarzenegger can't even grope a tall woman without someone thinking he's giving the Heil Hitler salute.

Arnold Schwarzenegger tried to convince reporters Friday he doesn't remember praising Hitler. Yet his mental focus is legendary. This is a guy who once read the Rise and Fall of the Third Reich backward so the book would have a happy ending.

Governor Gray Davis campaigned in California over the weekend trying to save his job. Everything's been tried to derail the election. He lost his last appeal Friday when the phone company told him there's no such thing as a Do Not Recall List.

Tom McClintock campaigned hard for California governor on Friday. There's an emerging consensus about this man. Tom McClintock has the most talent, the most experience, the most brains and the most years in government, so he must be stopped.

Tom McClintock vowed to streamline California's bureaucracy to save taxpayer dollars. It's a mess. The Director of the Department of Motor Vehicles tried to resign last week but found that for six hours he had been standing in the wrong line.


10-5

Senator Hillary Clinton on Tuesday called for an Independent Counsel to look into possible wrongdoing in the White House. This is one for the books. Any day now expect Bill Clinton to tell Arnold Schwarzenegger that a cigar is not a toy.

Arnold Schwarzenegger apologized onstage Thursday for groping six California women over the years against their will. He's trying to break the habit. Every time he waves to the audience, the patch is clearly visible on the palm of his hand.

Arnold Schwarzenegger gave his economic plan for California Tuesday. It's too complex. The fastest way out of California's deficit is to deny hiding weapons of mass destruction and $87 billion will be on its way just a couple of bumps later.


10-3

Bill Clinton campaigned onstage for Gray Davis in Los Angeles Thursday. He gave the charisma-challenged governor a real lesson. No one's seen anything like it since Peter Lawford sang Learn to Be a Ladies' Man to Mel Torme in the campus comedy Good News.

The Los Angeles Times published details of Arnold Schwarzenegger groping the breasts of unwilling women. It's simply unimaginable. When you make $25 million a picture, do you know how difficult it is to find an unwilling woman in Los Angeles?

Cruz Bustamante promised to protect a new law granting employees full pay to stay home with a sick family member. How very nice. Democrats feel it's unfair for Californians to have to sit home sick by themselves and roll their own medicine.

President Bush came to work Thursday facing a guerrilla war overseas, antiwar protests, and a Justice Department criminal investigation of the White House. It's weird. If it were any more like the 1970s, Arnold Schwarzenegger would be smoking pot at the gym and telling his friends that someday he'll be governor of California.


10-2

Arnold Schwarzenegger begins a California campaign tour today. He is leaving his Hummers and SUVs at home and he's crossing the state in a customized bus. He never drives anything that doesn't look like the Union Pacific crossing the prairie.

Republicans feared Monday that Democrats may release old dirt on Arnold. It could get ugly. They know the actor engaged in group sex, smoked pot, posed nude and grew up in a Nazi household, but what if Gray Davis has something really damaging?

Democrat Cruz Bustamante told reporters Tuesday he is about to release a new TV ad. It shows the lieutenant governor hugging Bill Clinton. He had to get up pretty early to get a spot on the rope line but he may never live down the black wig.


10-1

Minnesota Vikings wide receiver Randy Moss caught three long touchdown passes Sunday to demolish San Francisco. How fast is this guy? An analysis of video tapes from last weekend showed it is easier to overthrow Gray Davis than Randy Moss.

Arnold Schwarzenegger is favored to be the next governor of California. He could take office in just a week. The California recall transfers power so fast that Homeland Security just declared a red alert for everyone in the state named Romanov.


9-30

The Galileo space probe ended its mission to Jupiter on Sunday. After dozens of orbits, it finally ran out of fuel. The craft landed on Jupiter, successfully ending its mission to find an atmosphere less poisonous than Gray Davis' attack ads.


9-29

Governor Gray Davis said Friday the California budget crisis isn't nearly as severe as Republicans say. School districts are in a panic. If emergency funding isn't found soon, Beverly Hills may be forced to eliminate the school brunch program.


9-28

California governor candidates had a stormy and tempestuous debate Wednesday night. One candidate was especially aggravating. After the debate, seven out of ten Californians surveyed said they now believe Michael Huffington was not born gay.


9-26

Islamic terrorists in Iraq attacked a movie theater in Mosul Wednesday. They were upset the theater was showing a pornographic movie so they tossed a hand grenade at the screen. That's one vote against Mary Carey for California governor.

California broadcasters held a debate Wednesday for the top governor candidates. They were a bodybuilder, a socialist, a conservative, a harpie, and the only dull Hispanic in the world. Look at the five of them, if they were cards, you would fold.

Arianna Huffington annoyed everybody at the debate with her heavily-accented non-stop talking and her camera hogging. She's getting a lot of media coverage. The Discovery Channel is doing a documentary about her life entitled The Lost Gabor.

Arianna accused Arnold Schwarzenegger of mistreatment of women. When he could get a word in, he said he has a special role for her in Terminator Four. Offering a woman a part in a movie in exchange for silence is a tradition as old as Hollywood.

Republican Tom McClintock was judged by consensus the winner of the debate on Wednesday. He was smart, he was specific and eloquent. He's expected to easily carry California Republicans because he has the same last name as a John Wayne movie.


9-25

The California recall election was ordered held October 7th by a U.S. Court of Appeals Tuesday. Time was running out. It didn't matter to the clowns and the trapeze artists but the elephants have to be back in Sarasota before the first frost.


9-24

Arnold Schwarzenegger will appear in his first debate in Sacramento tonight. He's very lucky it's scripted. His ad-libs have been pretty stupid lately and no one wants to appear on the same stage with Gallagher sounding like a melon head.


9-23

Gray Davis urged the U.S. Court of Appeals Friday to allow the recall vote to occur in October and decide his job one way or the other. There's an easier way to get rid of him. Californians ought to employ the Texas Gambit, which is to pretend the governor is competent and popular and maybe he will resign and run for president.


9-22

Gray Davis asked the California legislature to return Friday to extend Megan's Law. He says local authorities must have the addresses of known sex offenders. Now that lap dancing has been outlawed in Los Angeles, school recess outdraws the Dodgers.

California recall candidate Mary Carey condemned a ban on lap dancing in Los Angeles. She's a blonde. Mary Carey once bought a book called How to Hug but was mystified when she got home and it turned out to be volume five of the encyclopedia.

Cruz Bustamante threatened to boycott the California candidates debate this week. Arianna Huffington agreed to participate. At this point in her life, she's not about to miss a chance to get into a group situation with Arnold Schwarzenegger.


9-21

Arnold Schwarzenegger unveiled his political reform plan Thursday. He charged that the state government is corrupted by dirty money, closed doors and deals made in backrooms. If convicted Gray Davis could get four to eight years as mayor of Chicago.

California Governor Gray Davis said Thursday California welcomes people from every planet on this earth. He added that we have sons and daughters of people from every planet living here. He's not conceding the alien vote to Cruz Bustamante.

Gray Davis asked lawmakers Thursday to return to Sacramento to extend Megan's Law in California. It requires sex offenders to register but it expires at the end of October. Unless the legislature acts, November 1st could become All Priests Day.


9-19

Democratic presidential candidate John Kerry flew to California Wednesday to campaign at an event in support of embattled Governor Gray Davis. The two men appeared together in West Hollywood. It was a huge disappointment to their families.

Great white sharks were sighted near the Southern California coast last week, causing no small alarm. Several surfers drew bites. The Democrats insist that any leg that isn't bitten all the way through should count as a vote for Gray Davis.

Arnold Schwarzenegger was heckled Monday by a feminist group named Code Pink about old sexist statements. Yes, he did drugs and slept around in the 1970s in Los Angeles. He didn't want everyone in town to regard him as some kind of weirdo.


9-18

Arnold Schwarzenegger talked about his political dreams on the Oprah Winfrey Show Monday. What a story. He was inspired by President Bush, who proved you can be a successful politician in this country even if English is your second language.

The U.S. Circuit Court of Appeals halted California's recall election Monday over touch screen voting. It isn't for everyone. Iraq tried it last week and everyone voted for Saddam Hussein and for Chemical Ali because they thought it gave them Blackjack.

Senator Dianne Feinstein endorsed John Kerry for U.S. president Thursday. Last week she endorsed Gray Davis as governor of California. Next week she plans to endorse Udey Hussein as leader of Iraq to cement her reputation for picking winners.

California election officials warned Tuesday there won't be enough space on the primary ballot in March for ten candidates for president and one hundred thirty-five candidates for governor. Many of them fit the medical definition of delusional, which in California is anyone who puts out a dictionary at a garage sale.


9-17

The U.S. Court of Appeals in San Francisco delayed the California recall election in a setback for Arnold Schwarzenegger. It's the same court that banned the Pledge of Allegiance to mollify atheists. First they outlawed God and now they are going after Mr. Universe.

The U.S. Court of Appeals stayed the California recall until everyone has touch screen voting. This changes everything. In order to have an edge with touch screen voters, Gray Davis plans to change his name to Press Here to Withdraw Cash.

California Democrats said Monday that punchcard ballots disenfranchise black voters. This reeks of paternalism. Apparently Democrats think that the same race that has held the heavyweight boxing title since 1959 cannot punch a hole in a card.

Maria Shriver covered Arnold Schwarzenegger's mouth on the Oprah Winfrey Show as he began discussing womanizing. Her response was ingrained. Maria Shriver is confirming a new theory among Freudians who say beautiful women marry their uncles.

Bill Clinton dedicated an elementary school named after him in Los Angeles on Monday. It's his idea of a grade school. The boys and girls were issued little black books and were encouraged to grade each other on a scale of one-to-five stars.


9-16

The Treasury Department unveils a new twenty-dollar bill in October. The oval border around the portrait has been removed. Cruz Bustamante hasn't even been elected governor of California yet and already borders are disappearing across the country.


9-15

The State Department formally asked Israel Friday not to evict Yasser Arafat or kill him. The situation is nearly hopeless. The only way to get rid of Yasser Arafat is to name him Governor of California and he will be recalled within a month.


9-14

Governor Gray Davis allowed Friday he made a poor joke when he teased Arnold Schwarzenegger for being unable to pronounce California. However he absolutely refused to say that he made a mistake. The Bush Doctrine is spreading like wildfire.

Arnold Schwarzenegger spent Friday wooing conservative Republicans. They are a different breed out here. A social conservative in California is someone who believes that life begins at the moment the kids leave for college and the dog dies.

The White House warned Thursday North Korea has a missile that can reach New York. It's a brand-new development. Previously the missile could only reach the West Coast, but now that it can get a California driver's license it can go anywhere.


9-12

Osama bin Laden released a new videotape Wednesday, shot from his hiding place in Afghanistan, in which he threatened war against the West. There's no question it was him. He had a beard, he had a limp, and he had a California driver's license.

Gray Davis will appear with Bill Clinton at a Los Angeles black church Sunday. It's sacrilegious. If Gray Davis is going to try to clap on two-four to gospel music in public, he should do it at the Comedy Store where people can laugh openly.

Arnold Schwarzenegger summoned his campaign advisors to San Jose Wednesday for an education summit. He told reporters he would like California kids to aim higher. Warning shots are considered good sportsmanship back in his native Austria.


9-11

Arnold Schwarzenegger learned Tuesday he's not doing well with women voters, so he's considering appearing on the Oprah Winfrey Show. He still doesn't get it. He believes if he can lift her over his head it would set a new world's record.

Maria Shriver was chased away from a Wal-Mart in Sacramento by an angry union mob Tuesday. She won't stand for much more of this. Maria vowed to love Arnold through sickness and health, but the priest never mentioned Wal-Marts and Sacramento.


9-10

Cruz Bustamante told a Fresno crowd that Arnold Schwarzenegger wants to take driver's licenses away from immigrants who fought and died for this country. It's only right. Dead people are only legally allowed to vote in Chicago and drive in Florida.

Gray Davis knocked Arnold Schwarzenegger Sunday for being unable to pronounce California. Democrats shouldn't make fun of someone's German accent. Poland ran a Hitler impersonator contest on the radio in 1939 and the winner got twenty years.

Maria Shriver asked Democrats to vote for her husband Arnold Schwarzenegger Monday. He's pro-choice, pro-gay rights and was a known womanizer. If Arnold was any more like a Kennedy he and Maria could only have been married in West Virginia.


9-09

Arnold Schwarzenegger was heckled Wednesday by Long Beach student protesters from a group called La Raza, which is Spanish for the race. It's like a giant practical joke. The son of a Nazi was attacked by a group that favors racial purity.


9-08

Gray Davis signed a law Friday giving California driver's licenses to illegal aliens. The event was announced to Hispanic media and concealed from English-speaking media. Gray Davis is so paranoid he has a rear-view mirror on his exercise bicycle.

Arnold Schwarzenegger vowed Thursday to crack down on illegal immigration in California. He knows the price. If his dad learned one thing in the German Army it's that you can't just walk over the border and take over somebody else's country.

Maria Shriver denied Friday her husband Arnold is a womanizer. He was dating other actresses when they met, but she was smart and played hard to get. She was always the first one of the group to get out of bed in the morning and go to work.


9-07

Arnold Schwarzenegger said last week he can't recall his interview about group sex. He admits to lots of women but he can't remember them. Nothing will stop Arnold if he can remind voters of Jack Kennedy and Ronald Reagan at the same time.

Cruz Bustamante refused Friday to renounce the views of his college Hispanic group MEChA. Their slogan is, For the Race Everything and For Those Outside the Race, Nothing. That's not a slogan, that's a toast at Strom Thurmond's birthday party.


9-05

Arnold Schwarzenegger wouldn't participate in the California recall election debate Wednesday with four other candidates. It's no secret why. He's made it clear in past magazine interviews that he will not join four other people with his clothes on.


9-04

Gray Davis told NBC News Tuesday Bill Clinton will campaign for him but they are still setting up the dates. It may not be good news for Gray Davis but it's good news for Hillary. Her approval rating always goes up when her husband starts dating.

Arnold Schwarzenegger on Sunday dismissed an old magazine interview in which he bragged about engaging in orgies and group sex. The man loves women. Arnold Schwarzenegger was once evicted from a hotel because he didn't have a parade permit.


9-03

Gray Davis brought a news camera crew with him to church Sunday. Talk about miracles. Gray Davis was asked to read from Revelations and he just happened to have a copy of Arnold Schwarzenegger's Oui magazine interview in his coat pocket.

Arnold Schwarzenegger said he cannot remember a Oui magazine interview where he bragged about engaging in group sex. It put to rest all questions about his party label. Arnold Schwarzenegger isn't a Republican or a Democrat, he's a Kennedy.

Arnold Schwarzenegger opposed giving driver's licenses to illegal immigrants Monday. Gray Davis and Cruz Bustamante promptly accused Arnold of being bigoted. The tension over illegal immigration in California is so high that Kobe Bryant could get an all-white jury in Colorado next month and nobody would notice or care.

Cruz Bustamante refused to renounce his ties to the Chicano club MEChA. They say Europeans introduced conquest, genocide, venereal disease and alcoholism to the New World. And to think that today's teenagers think they invented rave parties.


9-02

Arnold Schwarzenegger pitched for conservative votes on San Joaquin Valley radio shows Thursday. He may have hurt himself by promising to clean up the mess in Sacramento. The last thing this state needs is another foreigner with a dust rag.

Arnold Schwarzenegger was bombarded by questions Friday about a Oui magazine interview he gave in 1977. He told the reporter he enjoyed marijuana, group sex and the company of prostitutes. Now you know why his campaign slogan is Join Arnold.

Cruz Bustamante was nailed Friday about his membership in a Chicano militant group called MEChA. This is serious. There could someday be a civil war between those who say California belongs to Mexico and those who insist it belongs to Spain.


9-01

California was hit by huge gasoline price increases Thursday. Some consumers complained but not everyone noticed. Every station in Los Angeles is required to have three service islands marked Full, Self, and the busiest of all, Full of Self. (Not strictly a recall joke but we thought you'd like it.)

Scotland Yard may implant a microchip into Prince Harry to track him during his gap year in Australia. The reason's obvious. Now that Arnold Schwarzenegger is polling so well, robot parts are a prerequisite for all potential world leaders.

Arnold Schwarzenegger led a California poll Tuesday based on beef taco sales at Taco Bell. Wait just a minute. If we allow all our polling to be done by Taco Bell, we run the very real risk that our next governor could be a talking Chihuahua.


8-31

North Korea complained on Thursday that U.S. negotiators are refusing to bend. They say it's ruining the six-way negotiations. They've read the Arnold Schwarzenegger interview with Oui magazine and they know they should be having more fun than this.

Arnold Schwarzenegger was confronted Thursday by a 1977 Oui magazine article where he said he enjoyed pot and group sex. He cheerfully admitted it. This is a political strategy that's known in California as appealing to the moderate center.

Cruz Bustamante admitted on Thursday he belonged to a Chicano advocacy group called MEChA while in college. The club advocates Mexican racial supremacy. He was nearly drummed out of the group his sophomore year for dating an English muffin.


8-29

The Los Angeles Times said Sunday Arnold Schwarzenegger's support was at twenty-two percent. Just three days later, a new poll said his support was at forty-five percent. There can't be any other explanation other than he's back on steroids.

Arnold Schwarzenegger surged in the California polls Wednesday and leads all Democrats. He's a man for our times. One look at Arnold Schwarzenegger's last twenty movies and it is plain to see that only Don Rumsfeld is tougher on terrorism.

Cruz Bustamante refused Wednesday to discuss his membership in M.E.Ch.A. This is a Chicano group that doesn't recognize U.S. sovereignty in the Southwest. Speaking as a proud member of the Sons of Confederate Veterans, it strikes me as un-American.


8-28

The White House blamed high gasoline prices Monday on a pipeline explosion in Arizona and on limited refinery capacity. It's insane. Gasoline is so expensive in California, Arnold Schwarzenegger is running for governor just for the company car.


8-27

Davy Crockett is played by Billy Bob Thornton in a remake of The Alamo this fall. It's updated. It's the same bloody story, but in the new version he is not defending the Alamo, he's a Republican poll watcher in the California recall election.

Arnold Schwarzenegger released his first campaign commercial Sunday. It went well. His accent unsettles some people, but on the other hand it's nice to have a candidate who understands Donald Rumsfeld's global strategy in the original German.


8-26

Archaeologists last week discovered the remains of a hunter in a Swiss Alps mountain glacier. The hunter died three thousand years ago from a knife to the back. It's the first evidence that recall elections did not originate in California.

Governor Gray Davis offered driver's licenses for illegal aliens Monday. Activists are also demanding drinking fountains at illegal crossing areas. California homeowners have about a year to decide whether they want to change over to pesos or Astro Turf.

California Democratic Party spokesman Bob Mulholland told British newspapers Thursday that any son of a Nazi German soldier will never be elected governor of California. That's unfair. Arnold Schwarzenegger is as American as apple strudel.


8-25

China will host six-nation talks this week to discuss methods of dismantling North Korea's nuclear program. They have missiles that can reach the West Coast. Arnold's first act as governor will be to catch them barehanded and throw them back.

Arnold Schwarzenegger campaigned door-to-door in Southern California last Friday. His style was robust. It got huge got media coverage, it pushed up his poll numbers and it gave elderly Jewish homeowners in West Los Angeles the fright of their lives.

Porno star Mary Carey began charging five thousand dollars per date to raise money for her campaign for California governor. It's a reasonable amount for her line of work. You should see what Dick Cheney gets to spend the night with an energy company.

Gray Davis promised to sign a bill allowing illegal aliens to get California driver's licenses. He has hit a home run on this one. Californians have been searching desperately for a way to speed up the lines to buy beer on Cinco de Mayo.


8-24

Taco Bell will run a poll on the California governor's race by counting food orders. Order a beef taco and it's a vote for Arnold Schwarzenegger, a chicken taco and it's a vote for Gray Davis. Make a Run for the Border and it's Cruz Bustamante.

Cybill Shepherd told reporters on Wednesday she made out with Gray Davis in Hawaii when she was sixteen. It's hard to picture them together today. This could force Gray Davis to acknowledge that during his youth he experimented with charisma.

Dianne Feinstein ripped Arnold Schwarzenegger for using assault weapons onscreen and she accused him of setting a bad example. That's not fair. Is Arnold or is he not the first German to play the good guy in a Hollywood movie since World War I?

Arnold Schwarzenegger outlined his economic plans for California Thursday at a press conference. It was a bit light on specifics. Most politicians can't get away with saying it may look bad now, but it can always be fixed in post-production.


8-22

California governor candidates were certified last week. They include a bodybuilder, a porno star, a sumo wrestler, a smut peddler, and lingerie model. Last night they all walked into a bar and the bartender asked if this was some kind of a joke.

Arnold Schwarzenegger and his advisers met behind closed doors Wednesday. He was holding an economic recovery summit. However they couldn't decide if it was easier to overthrow President Bush in Texas or wait until he gets back to Washington.

The London Evening Standard detailed Arnold Schwarzenegger's womanizing and groping in a story Monday. His wife Maria Shriver is standing by him. She's on leave from NBC News due to a chronic neck injury she developed from looking the other way.

Cruz Bustamante ripped Gray Davis's personality Monday. He said the governor is widely considered aloof and arrogant. He can only get away with hauling out that stereotype because there will never be an Episcopalian Anti-Defamation League.

Gray Davis warned Tuesday that the recall election will do lasting damage to the environment. He knows from experience. Last fall there was a huge rainstorm during one of his campaign commercials and the sewage washed into Santa Monica Bay.


8-21

The Anne Frank House foundation announced in Holland Tuesday that the last woman to see Anne Frank alive just died in Amsterdam. The coroner was candid about the cause of her death. Those Arnold Schwarzenegger commercials gave her a heart attack.

Arnold Schwarzenegger enlisted billionaire investor Warren Buffett last week to join his economic team. It backfired. The candidate's approval rating dropped forty points in the time it took for Californians to realize he wasn't Jimmy Buffett.

Gray Davis offered Monday to sign a bill helping illegal aliens get driver's licenses in California. His desire to help them is not calculated. If Gray Davis were any more pro-Hispanic, candy would come out of him if you hit him with a stick.

California Lieutenant Governor Cruz Bustamante offered a campaign platform Tuesday called Tough Love for Californians. Name recognition is not a problem for him. His problem is, most people think Cruz Bustamante is the Mexican WonderBra.

Cruz Bustamante gave a speech outside his Sacramento home Tuesday. He called for an increase in taxes on alcohol, cigarettes and rich people. It shows the world once and for all that not every day is Jack Nicholson Day in the Golden State.


8-20

Cybill Shepherd said Sunday she made out with Gray Davis on a family vacation in Hawaii thirty-six years ago. He was twenty-four and she was sixteen. So now the race for California governor is between a Kindergarten Cop and a child molester.

Arnold Schwarzenegger's first campaign ads begin airing today on California media. He's helped by the Terminator movies. The state went overwhelmingly for Al Gore, so it's not that big a jump to elect a candidate who merely plays a robot.

Arnold Schwarzenegger expressed concerns to California Teachers Monday. Kids here don't learn the skills to succeed in the workforce. Every year they win the National Shooting Bee and they never get so much as a nibble from the Postal Service.

Gray Davis promised Monday to sign bills for the environment, women's rights and gay unions. His case is hopeless. Between the movie star, the lingerie model and the porno actress, you've got no chance in this race without a fifty-inch chest.

Gray Davis offered to sign a bill Monday to give drivers licenses to illegal aliens. It sounds noble. However it's only a matter of time before we find out that one of his major campaign donors cornered the market on 1976 Ford Monte Carlos.

The New York Times said Sunday the recall election shows how California lives in its own world. People in Los Angeles are still talking about last Friday's televised police car chase with a big, black limousine. Nobody had any idea President Bush was in town.


8-19

Arnold Schwarzenegger was challenged by California Democrats on Friday. They dared him to arrange his ideas into one specific platform. Like a good German he tried putting it together four different ways, but every time it came out a cannon.

Los Angeles television stations said Friday the recall election is swamping other local news stories. There are a hundred wacky candidates who want to be governor. Stations have had to stop showing car chases to make time to cover the train wreck.


8-18

The California Secretary of State approved one hundred thirty-five names for the recall ballot. How crazy is it? The slate includes a bodybuilder, a porn star, a lingerie model, a prop comic and a smut peddler, and they're the Republicans.

Governor Gray Davis was hammered by low approval ratings Thursday which left his detractors gleeful. How bad is it? To improve his standing with California voters Gray Davis is thinking seriously of admitting he killed Nicole Brown Simpson.

West Wing alum Rob Lowe was offered a staff job by Arnold Schwarzenegger. He had to accept. Rob Lowe videotaped himself having sex with two underage teenage girls in 1988 and fifteen years later he is still working off his community service.

Arnold's adviser Warren Buffett said Friday that California's property taxes are too low. They were cut by the legendary Proposition 13. No one wants to say it's set in stone, but by comparison Moses descended from Mt. Sinai with the Ten Suggestions.


8-17

The White House said Thursday authorities in Asia captured Hambali. They say he is an al-Qaeda leader. They had given up all hope of ever finding the guy and then, as luck would have it, he turned up on the California ballot for governor.

Arnold Schwarzenegger added former Secretary of State George Shultz to his staff. It's all starting to build. Now that Arnold has Shultz, all he needs is Klink and he could be the first Hogan's Heroes episode ever elected to public office.

The Los Angeles Times sent reporters to Austria to research the father of Arnold Schwarzenegger. They learned his father joined the Nazi Party in 1939. That was the year when Austria and Germany agreed on the idea of one country, namely Poland.

Gray Davis went to Cal State in Carson to speak out against a racial privacy initiative. He wants everyone's race to be listed on government forms. This ends any idea he had of criticizing the political views of Arnold Schwarzenegger's father.

Arianna Huffington's candidacy for governor imploded Thursday. She hasn't paid income taxes in two years and all her charity donations went to her children's fashionable private schools. Her occupation is listed on the ballot as Mrs. Drysdale.


8-15

Arnold Schwarzenegger made Warren Buffett his economic adviser Tuesday. This is new territory for the Omaha tycoon. Warren Buffett will be lucky if he can get out of Los Angeles without being trapped into marrying two of Arnold's opponents.

Lt. Governor Cruz Bustamante offered himself as a Democrat alternative against Arnold Schwarzenegger. It's political suicide. Apparently the prospect of being greeted in heaven by forty virgins is too tempting for a Clinton Democrat to resist.

California Governor Gray Davis told a crowd in San Francisco Wednesday that Bill Clinton has offered to help him defeat Arnold Schwarzenegger. This race gets more lurid with each passing day. The Terminator may be no match in California for the Fornicator.

Gray Davis promised driver's licenses to all illegal immigrants in California Tuesday. It has a chance to pass. Republicans might be willing to vote for the measure as long as the driver's license limits the vehicle operator to driving south.

Ralph Nader was hit in the face with a cream pie Tuesday while introducing a Green Party candidate for governor. The assailant got away. He escaped through the hole in the ozone that was blown open by the aerosol in the can of whipped cream.


8-14

Democrats released movie footage of Arnold Schwarzenegger smoking pot in the 1978 documentary Pumping Iron. He couldn't afford cocaine. It's the California equivalent of proving you were born in a log cabin and come from humble beginnings.

Arnold Schwarzenegger incurred Hispanic fury on Monday when his 1994 support for Proposition 187 was made public. It's a misunderstanding. If Arnold simply checks his 1994 records, he will discover that Proposition 187 was Jamie Lee Curtis.

Arnold Schwarzenegger jumped to a huge lead in the polls on Tuesday. It's not fair. Arnold could get elected governor in a landslide just by promising every voter in California he will read their screenplay and give it serious consideration.

Governor Gray Davis spoke to a big crowd gathered to see him in Brentwood on Tuesday. It's a sign that things might be turning around for him. Normally you have to murder your wife and get away with it to draw this big a crowd in Brentwood.

Gray Davis ripped the federal rules requiring ethanol in California gasoline Tuesday. He's getting the wrong political advice. If Gray Davis wants to be more popular in Los Angeles he will have to change his name to Natural Looking Dark Brown.


8-13

California Governor Gray Davis placed his entire career in the hands of Bill Clinton this week. The numbers tell the story. Gray Davis can hang onto the black and Hispanic vote by himself, but if he concedes the adulterer vote to Arnold Schwarzenegger, he's toast.

Gray Davis's motorcade was clocked by the highway patrol at 94 mph last week going from Monterey to Los Angeles. Normally he flies the route, but aides say there was a serious problem with the plane. The in-flight movie was Terminator Three.

Arnold Schwarzenegger revealed his tax returns and car collection Monday. He drives ten Sport Utility Vehicles and five Hummers around Los Angeles. He first got introduced to the Bush family after Saudi Arabia named him Customer of the Week.

Arnold Schwarzenegger led all major polls Monday in the race for governor of California. He meets our needs at the moment. Arnold Schwarzenegger is a social liberal and a fiscal conservative and he can defeat North Korea with his bare hands.

Gray Davis and Arnold Schwarzenegger began an epic battle for California's governorship Monday. It makes no sense to Los Angeles. Power must be the ultimate aphrodisiac, or why would a multi-millionaire actor and an Episcopalian spend twenty million each to live in a town where they ring cowbells at basketball games?

California's Secretary of State certified porno star Mary Carey as a candidate for governor on Monday. She wants a tax on all breast implants. It's a novel idea for legislators who for years have been groping for a way to balance the budget.


8-12

Maria Shriver went on leave from NBC Dateline Friday. She is bracing herself for tales about her husband's womanizing. With each revelation, Hillary Clinton will be right there telling her to breathe deeply and think about the book advance.

Arnold Schwarzenegger appeared on the Internet Friday in old pictures of him with naked women. No one's sure who leaked them. It could be Gray Davis trying to discredit Arnold or it could be Arnold trying to take votes away from Larry Flynt.

Arnold Schwarzenegger began his campaign for California governor Friday. The reaction wasn't all positive. North Vietnam heard him on the radio promising victory and sounded air raid sirens until they could be sure it wasn't Henry Kissinger.

Gray Davis demanded Tuesday that ethanol be removed from California gasoline because it pollutes the air. Is he trying to kill business? There's nothing like autumn in Los Angeles when throngs of tourists come to watch the smog change colors.


8-11

California lit up Wednesday when Arnold Schwarzenegger entered the governor's race. The next day there were pictures on the Internet of him with naked women. It's nice to see the in-laws are invited to the Kennedy family weekends in Palm Beach.

Arnold Schwarzenegger promised Friday to campaign house to house and door to door. He said that's how they do it in Europe. That may be, but there are parts of Los Angeles that won't respond well to a weightlifter's knock and a German accent.


8-10

Arnold Schwarzenegger announced on the Tonight Show he will run for governor of California. It's a whole new day. With a Terminator in the Governor's mansion all the basketball players in this state will have to start taking no for an answer.

Arnold Schwarzenegger said he wants to make California the Golden State it was when he arrived in 1968. It could solve everything. No one knows his plans for California, but by this time next year, we could have Nixon back in the White House.

Gray Davis insisted Wednesday he is still the Governor of California and has an agenda for the legislature. It ain't working. Right now, being Gray Davis is like owning a cemetery, you've got a lot of people under you but nobody's listening.

The White House said Friday that President Bush has no plans to campaign for Arnold Schwarzenegger in California. Still, it hasn't been ruled out. The president is on vacation and there's always the chance he will take his family to the carnival.


8-8

Arnold Schwarzenegger wore a huge sparkling sapphire ring on the Tonight Show Wednesday. Talk about making news. People were surprised enough that he was running for governor but it was a bigger shock that Kobe Bryant had cheated on him.

Arnold Schwarzenegger said Wednesday he got a bikini wax in 1978 to help him win a bodybuilding contest. No wonder he isn't a Democrat. Anytime a guy wins a blue ribbon for the way he looks covered in oil, you know he will end up Republican.

Arnold Schwarzenegger told reporters Wednesday he expects attacks from Gray Davis. He has posed nude, he's been accused of womanizing and his father fought for Hitler. He's the perfect candidate for a state where the paper of record is Zig Zag.


8-7

Arnold Schwarzenegger went on the Tonight Show with Jay Leno last night to announce his intentions in the race for governor of California. He doesn't want to be involved with the recall election. His agent told him never to do another comedy.

Governor Gray Davis sought labor help in Chicago Monday as the recall effort gained momentum. He needs a makeover. Until Gray Davis learns to smile and joke and cheat on his wife, the electricity shortage will continue to plague his career.


8-6

Governor Gray Davis filed suit Monday challenging the legality of his recall election. He's getting desperate. Yesterday Gray Davis allowed five gay guys to follow him around Sacramento to teach him how to dress and act more like a governor.

Hustler publisher Larry Flynt will run for California governor. Fundraising is no problem. All he has to do is threaten to publish pictures of movie stars from their first year in Hollywood and the checks will start arriving by Overnight Mail.


8-5

Arnold Schwarzenegger is expected to drop out of the California governor's race on the Tonight Show Wednesday. His wife Maria Shriver doesn't want gossip about his womanizing to surface. She thinks a sex scandal could ruin the good name of Kennedy.

California Governor Gray Davis battled desperately Sunday to keep from being thrown out of office. The problem is the education system. If more Californians received a decent education, they wouldn't think Gray Davis is the Confederate flag.


8-3

Senator Hillary Clinton is flying to California to promote her autobiography and campaign against the recall of Governor Gray Davis. Her participation could turn the tide. No one does a better job of not recalling than Hillary Clinton.


7-29

California joined other western states Thursday with raging brushfires which broke out in Agua Dolce. Investigators say the blaze was started by a spontaneous combustion in a manure pile. The California recall election is off to a roaring start.

© Copyright 2003 Argus Hamilton. All Rights Reserved. 

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