HOLLYWOOD--God Bless America, and how's everybody? Britney Spears made international headlines in Los Angeles Tuesday when the pop star filed for divorce from her unemployed rapper husband Kevin Federline. She's an old-fashioned girl. It's a tradition on Election Day to throw the bums out. Democratic Party candidates routed the Republicans Tuesday in a historic congressional election. The whole world was watching. In a welcome change of pace, Baghdad television news reported all day about the bloodbath in Washington. Election Day prompted great rejoicing Tuesday as Americans were finally able to watch television without any campaign commercials. Don't get used to it. The next morning the presidential race looked like Wal-Mart on the day after Thanksgiving. White House staffers ordered in food on Tuesday as they watched the election returns come in from across the country. It was a very late night. They started shredding documents at nine o'clock and didn't get to bed until after five. Democrats swept to victory and took control of the House of Representatives Tuesday. They won the chairmanships, control of the agenda and subpoena power. President Bush got a nice note from Saddam Hussein offering to help him get a lawyer. President Bush held a press conference in the White House Wednesday to talk about the election results. He urged Democrats to work with him. They intend to work with him, the way ten-year-old boys with magnifying glasses work with ants. Charlie Crist was elected governor of Florida after he refused to appear with President Bush. It got worse for the president yesterday. Rather than appear at the annual pardoning ceremony on the White House lawn, the Thanksgiving turkey opted to take his chances. Hillary Clinton swept to victory Tuesday, winning seventy percent of the vote in New York. She spent thirty million dollars on television, flowers, catering and photography. She could be the first American ever to be elected Queen of France. Congresswoman Nancy Pelosi was set Tuesday to become the first woman Speaker in American history. It's so sad. If Pastor Ted Haggard could have kept a lid on it for two more months, San Francisco values would have been the law of the land. Ted Strickland was elected Ohio governor Tuesday in a big win for the former Methodist minister. It was a long week for preachers. Ohio voters don't mind a Protestant minister who embraces Easy Grace, as long as he's not embracing Easy Greg. Pastor Ted Haggard wrote a letter to his church congregation Sunday where he confessed his deceit and lies and secret sex life. His fate from now on is unclear. Whether he becomes president or bishop is now up to the voters of New Hampshire. U.S. Senator Bobby Byrd was elected to his ninth term in the Senate on Tuesday by West Virginia voters. He's eighty-eight years old. In his victory speech he congratulated fellow Democrats and urged President Eisenhower to work with Congress. NFL quarterback Heath Shuler was elected to Congress on Tuesday. New members will all go through freshman orientation in January. Heath Shuler will be told if he throws any passes to the House pages he'd better have a football in his hand.
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