Argus Hamilton

© Copyright 2013
Friday, August 9, 2013

Argus Hamilton

HOLLYWOOD --God bless America, and how's everybody?

President Obama went on the Tonight Show Tuesday and took questions from the host on important national security issues. He insisted there's no spying by the NSA on American phone calls. It got a bigger laugh than anything Jay said in the monologue.

President Obama canceled a summit with Vladimir Putin over Russia giving asylum to NSA leaker Ed Snowden. This is easy. If President Obama wants Ed Snowden back in U.S. custody, he should tell Putin that Snowden is gay, and he'll be on the next plane to America.

Heisman Trophy winner Johnny Manziel reportedly accepted seventy-five hundred dollars to autograph three hundred helmets. The kid needs to settle on one identity and stick to it. In one year he's gone from Johnny Football to Johnny Walker to Johnny Hancock.

Breaking Bad returns Sunday about Albuquerque science teacher Walter White, who becomes a crystal meth cook and major drug distributor. It's messy. In this season's storyline, White gets what's coming to him and he's named team physician for the New York Yankees.

Virgin Airways announced it will use stand-up comedians to perform for passengers during flights. What a bad idea. Virgin Airways will lose its liability insurance when comics are on late-night talk shows bragging about all the people who walked out on them.

Washington's Congressional Cemetery imported one hundred goats to landscape the graves of U.S. Congressmen Tuesday. A billygoat is a natural scavenger that'll eat anything and can jump a twenty-foot fence to have sex. This isn't lawn-mowing, this is reincarnation.

Amazon CEO Jeff Bezos purchased the Washington Post for two hundred fifty million dollars. His web-shopping and next-day shipping service has saved Americans a lot of money. Who needs to pay 500 dollars an hour to a therapist when you can stomp on the bubble wrap and get it out of your system for free?

George W. Bush is fine after having a stent put in his artery to relieve a heart blockage Tuesday. Everyone in the media was nice to him. Fox News sent a get-well bouquet to his hospital room and MSNBC sent him two chili dogs with extra cheese and steak fries.

The New York Yankees reported a huge spike in ticket demands for Alex Rodriguez's return-home game in Yankees Stadium tonight. He's playing much better. His first game back Monday he hit a bloop single to left, and if he had been on steroids, he would have flied out.

Florida's George Zimmerman was pulled over in Texas last week for speeding where he told the cop he was packing a legal handgun. The cop let him off , no ticket. The only bad thing about driving with a gun in Texas is that you have to put your beer down to use it.

President Obama arrived in Burbank for the Tonight Show Tuesday. The town is not very sophisticated. Last week a tourist walked into Burbank's nicest restaurant and requested a table with a view, so they sat him down and left the women's room door open.

The Virginia Flaggers announced they will fly a huge Confederate flag atop a fifty-foot flagpole on Interstate 95. The group is brave. Either the gay community or the black community will crucify you if you say that you're a Flagger after two drinks and screw it up.

The U.S. and Britain evacuated our embassies in Yemen Tuesday amid the chatter by al-Qaeda of a pending attack. The sense of urgency was real. President Obama said we have got al-Qaeda on the run and if they beat us to the airport there's no way out of Yemen.

© Copyright 2013 Argus Hamilton. All Rights Reserved.

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