BEVERLY HILLS--God bless America, and how's everybody? Iran's President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad declared in Teheran on Thursday that the only solution to the conflict in the Middle East is the destruction of Israel. That is not going to happen. Israel will never permit Mel Gibson to have nuclear weapons. Mel Gibson was charged with drunk driving Thursday after his roadside arrest and bigoted rant in Malibu. He's learned his lesson. The next time he decides to go out drinking he is going to ask Pat Buchanan to be his designated anti-Semite. Oklahoma Sooners coach Bob Stoops was reported Friday to be ready to quit college football to coach the pros. He had to cut his star quarterback for cheating a car dealership out of money. It's the ethical equivalent to overcharging an oil company. Kansas voters threw out anti-evolution school board members Tuesday in favor of a majority who are pro-Darwin. This changes everything. Until Tuesday's vote, an independent mind was considered to be a violation of the state's open container law. Tropical Storm Chris was predicted to hit U.S. oil wells in the Gulf of Mexico by Monday. It's got a lot of people worked up about global warming. Any climate condition that causes higher oil prices could get the Presidential Medal of Freedom. President Bush flew to Crawford Thursday for a ten-day vacation at his Texas ranch. Condi Rice is staying with him while his wife vacations alone in Alaska. Thank goodness his foreign policy is going so well or this could be a real scandal. President Bush urged calm in Cuba Thursday as Fidel Castro underwent surgery for bleeding intestines. He sounded very aggravated. It turns out he could have overthrown Saddam Hussein without firing a shot by building a Del Taco in Baghdad. Don Rumsfeld went to the Senate Thursday with two generals and they conceded that a civil war is possible in Iraq. Talk about Christmas in July. NASCAR fans couldn't believe they got both a civil war and Talladega Nights in the same weekend. Don Rumsfeld told the Senate Armed Services Committee Thursday you would have a dickens of a time finding where he said Iraq would be easy. It shows there's a lot of confusion inside the Bush administration. Dickens is the day care proposal. Tom DeLay lost his bid in federal court Thursday to remove his name from the ballot in November. His mood is serene. This time next year he will either be in prison or he will be a Republican lobbyist, so either way he works for cigarettes. The U.S. Senate voted overwhelmingly on Thursday to provide two billion dollars to build a fence on the U.S.-Mexican border. The damage is already done. Of the ninety-three votes in favor of the fence, fifty voted yes while forty-three voted si. Senator Joe Lieberman is in major danger of losing the Democratic primary in Connecticut because of his war stance. He stands behind President Bush. You can't blame him, when Dick Cheney's in the room that's the safest place to stand. Tour de France winner Floyd Landis blamed dehydration for his failed steroid test Thursday. He's blamed cortisone, alcohol, thyroid medication and metabolism. Still, he will have to blame the Jews if he ever hopes to be welcomed back to France.
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