Argus Hamilton

© Copyright 2005

Wednesday, June 15, 2005 

Argus Hamilton

HOLLYWOOD--God bless America, and how's everybody?

The U.S. Open begins Thursday at Pinehurst Golf Club. The holes are longer and the rough is deeper and the fairways are twenty yards wide. If the prisoners at Guantanamo were forced to play this course, the Red Cross would step in and stop it.

Mr. and Mrs. Smith with Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie was a smash hit. There is nothing like being a celebrity. Not only did they attract a fifty-million-dollar box office, they just found out they can have sex with children and get away with it.

Michael Jackson was found not guilty of all ten counts on Monday by his jury in Santa Barbara. It was a mixed victory for the star. He had been hoping to be found guilty of one of the lesser charges so that he could be sent to juvenile hall.

Santa Barbara jurors explained their Michael Jackson verdict on Monday. They looked down at the riff-raff who was accusing one of their neighbors. How dare some hustler off the street come to Santa Barbara and cast aspersions on a white guy.

Michael Jackson's verdict was blamed Monday on California's celebrity worship that also freed O.J. and Robert Blake. It's true. At this moment Charles Manson is thinking if he'd hired a publicist instead of a lawyer, he would be a free man today.

Porn star Mary Carey attended the GOP congressional fundraiser in Washington D.C. Tuesday wearing a sexy dress. Republicans were so grateful she was there. Everyone was looking at her breasts and no one was watching the cash changing hands.

Saddam Hussein was questioned by a tribunal in Iraq about his brutal tactics in power Monday. The questioning went on for hours. The dictator once crushed an insurgent rebellion north of Baghdad and the tribunal just wanted to pick his brains.

The Gallup Poll out Monday said sixty percent of Americans are ready to pull troops out of Iraq. Everyone sees it coming. Already the Office of Patents and Trademarks is checking to see if the South still has the rights to the Lost Cause.

President Bush met with leaders of five African countries at the White House on Monday. They had a long talk and they left empty-handed. They have no idea how to institute standardized testing so the president can see if they're improving.

President Bush will attend a National Hispanic Prayer breakfast tomorrow. It's just in time. He's under huge pressure over prisoner interrogation at Guantanamo and if anybody can advise him it is the people who have the Inquisition's old files.

The U.S. Senate Judiciary Committee will hold hearings today about Guantanamo Prison and the detainees locked up there. They are being held indefinitely with no charges and no lawyers and no evidence. The committee will leave no stone unturned until they find out if they are pro-life detainees or pro-choice detainees.

Howard Dean blasted Republicans Monday for being indifferent to the poor and overly fixated on gay marriage. He's actually helping Republicans. In two weeks, Howard Dean's managed to make John Bolton look like Fred MacMurray in My Three Sons.

The Truth About Hillary by former New York Times Magazine editor Ed Klein claims Bill Clinton raped his wife twenty-six years ago while on a Bermuda holiday. Now we know what keeps their marriage together. It's lifetime Secret Service protection.

© Copyright 2005 Argus Hamilton. All Rights Reserved. 

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