Argus Hamilton

© Copyright 2003

Wednesday, April 30, 2003 

Argus Hamilton

HOLLYWOOD--God bless America, and how's everybody?

The Kentucky Derby favorite Empire Maker is owned by Prince Abdullah of Saudi Arabia. He'd better not win. The White House is looking for any excuse to invade another Arab country and stud farms offend evangelicals in too many ways to count.

The University of California at Berkeley was stunned Sunday to see a protest march by the Young Republican Club. They support President Bush. The students are so angry at the Dixie Chicks they stopped stealing their music off the Internet.

The New York Auto Show ended Sunday unveiling new high-speed cars with giant engines. They were introduced the same week the U.S. seized half the world's oil reserves. There's not much anybody can say except sometimes great minds think alike.

The London Guardian found documents showing Paris fed intelligence to Baghdad before the war. Iraq got diplomatic secrets and military guidance from France. Who else could have taught the Iraqis how to lose their entire country in two weeks.

The U.S. today observes the bicentennial of the 1803 Louisiana Purchase. Sales talks began in Paris when a U.S. diplomat and a French Minister discovered they shared the same mistress. The Indians have likened the sale to a sex act all along.

Frank Sinatra's valet George Jacobs wrote in Playboy he watched Jack Kennedy party with hookers, cocaine and pills. It explains why Democrats didn't want to invade Iraq. They had reason to believe that Udey Hussein was the next Jack Kennedy.

U.S. troops arrested a self-proclaimed Mayor of Baghdad Monday who was messing up everything. It's our own fault. If our finer universities still offered degrees in Colonial Administration, Baghdad would be known by now as The City that Works.

President Bush attended St. John's Episcopal Church in Washington Sunday. He's calming down a bit. If he performed the sign of the cross on himself it would be the first time anybody has crossed the president lately and lived to tell the story.

President Bush met Monday with the Big Three automakers in Detroit. He was there for a reason. He was tired of everyone in Washington picking on him and he wanted to go someplace where all his new oil wells would get the appreciation they deserve.

North Korea on Monday offered to give up its nuclear weapons facilities and its missile factories in exchange for economic help. Are they insane? Nuclear blackmail won't work as long as Americans are this focused on the Laci Peterson case.

Hillary Clinton finished the manuscript of her memoirs Monday and gave it to her publishers. It tells how she loved to play church league softball as a girl. When she was in the seventh grade, she led the league in crooked real estate deals.

Hillary Clinton addressed a Democratic dinner in Connecticut Monday. It made everybody suspect her of joining the race. The last time Hillary Clinton ran for the Oval Office it was because she heard a lot of squealing and giggling inside.

Democratic presidential candidate Howard Dean told New Hampshire Monday that America won't always have the strongest military so we must start being nicer to other countries. What a tragic loss. It's the earliest political suicide in a presidential campaign since Gary Hart decided that one snapshot can't hurt anything.

© Copyright 2003 Argus Hamilton. All Rights Reserved. 

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