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© Copyright 2011

Thursday, April 14, 2011 

Argus Hamilton

HOLLYWOOD--God bless America, and how's everybody?

Atlas Shrugged opens in theaters nationwide Friday. Its theme is that free enterprise creates prosperity and government control creates poverty. So many conservatives will be flocking to see this movie that theater owners are renting out the lobbies for gun shows.

The L.A. Public Library moved its computers across the room so people watching porn aren't visible to children at the checkout desk. City officials said people have a constitutional right to watch porn in a library. Roman Polanski is starting to think it's safe to come home.

The Treasury Department issued a list of suggestions to taxpayers Thursday to help get their refund checks back faster. It's so user-friendly. This year you can have your refund check sent to you by mail or have the check deposited directly into your gas station.

President Obama gave a speech at Ohio State listing his ideas to reduce the budget deficit. The solution is simple. Obama should charge a hundred dollars for autographed copies of his birth certificate and the Republicans will tax themselves to a balanced budget.

Mike Huckabee led likely GOP presidential primary candidates in a Fox Poll Tuesday, polling high with Southern Baptists. That makes sense. The Southern Baptist Church is a stalwart Protestant sect that recognizes only one saint, the last living Confederate widow.

The Mitt Romney campaign rolled out its campaign logo Monday showing his name spelled out in the same red-white-and-blue creamy swirl used by Aqua Fresh toothpaste. What's the big deal? If the Republicans stand for anything it's white teeth and minty breath.

Hosni Mubarak had a heart attack Tuesday while he was being questioned by Egyptian prosecutors tracing his fortune. When they asked him what happened to all the revenue he clutched his chest and fainted. In Hollywood this is known as the Paramount Maneuver.

French President Nicolas Sarkozy signed a law Tuesday making France the very first country to ban women from wearing a burka. They want to create an assimilated and modern society. Under the new law anyone caught wearing a burka will be stoned to death.

North Korea detained the third U.S. citizen caught hiking into North Korea from China last week. Iran also detained U.S. citizens hiking over their border. When you apply to join the CIA the first thing they ask you is whether you have ever experienced back trouble.

Denny's reported plans Tuesday to open fifty restaurants in India under the famous Denny's name. The franchise practically sold itself. The Indians were impressed by the trouble Denny's got into a few years ago with its caste system of seating people in America.

Pentagon officials announced Monday that the U.S. Army will begin deploying openly gay soldiers for active duty this summer. It's a civil rights victory. U.S. Army recruiters are already advertising on billboards that the tan you get in North Africa is second to none.

Washington D.C. Mayor Vince Gray waved to cheering crowds as he emerged from jail after being arrested while protesting the GOP budget cuts. He fought the Republicans and lost but he came home a hero. Some Civil War reenactments are more realistic than others.

Hugh Hefner celebrated his eighty-fifth birthday Thursday a week before he marries twenty-four-year-old Krystal Harris. He said he takes Viagra twice a week. For Hugh Hefner to take Viagra is like placing a brand-new flag pole on top of a condemned building.

© Copyright 2011 Argus Hamilton. All Rights Reserved.

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"How to Set Up a Free Country"
"In Defense of the Banks"
"The Second Amendment and the Big Surprise"
"Defending Capitalism"
"The Motive for War: How to End the Violence in Iraq"

"The Secret Life of the Bill of Rights"
"The Tyranny of the Children"
"A Plan to Get Out of Iraq: Blackstone's Fundamental Rights and the Power of Property"
"Judicial Activism and the Constitutional Amendment on Marriage"
"How to Get Congress to Foot the Bill for Illegal Immigration, and Fast"
"Cornered: The Supreme Court's Ten Commandments Problem"
"Why There Is No Constitutional Right to Privacy, and How to Get One"
"How the First Amendment Came to Protect Topless Dancing"
"Marijuana, Prohibition and the Tenth Amendment"
by Susan Shelley, author of
"The 37th Amendment"

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