BEVERLY HILLS--God bless America, and how's everybody?

President Bush rolled out his first campaign commercial Tuesday. It includes images of the smoking ruins of the World Trade Center. Not to be outdone, John Kerry's first commercial shows him being whipped to a bloody pulp by Roman soldiers.

The Sopranos begins its fifth season tonight on HBO about a Mafia family who live in New Jersey. In the first episode, Tony Soprano has to unload two clips of ammunition into a guy before he finally dies. Steroids are a problem in every sport.

Barry Bonds refused all comment Thursday about steroids. Mark McGwire admits bulking up on androstenedione. By the time the home run record is returned to Roger Maris's family it will have made more wrong turns than Jessica Lynch's convoy.

Bill Clinton sent an e-mail message Tuesday calling for Democratic Party unity. He just won a Grammy for narrating a symphony. You know the world is upside down when Bill Clinton wins a Grammy and Janet Jackson is the subject of a government sex investigation.

Hillary Clinton was urged by allies Thursday to pursue the vice presidential nomination. She's secretive, the opposition really hates her, and she's always discussing whatever is in her heart. It would be like Dick Cheney never left office.

John Kerry will embark upon a fundraising tour to raise one hundred and five million dollars. Every penny counts. He needs five million for campaign ads and a hundred million so he can look his wife in the eye with some dignity and self-respect.

The Los Angeles Times profiled Teresa Heinz Kerry Wednesday. She wears Chanel clothes and has her own Gulfstream jet and homes in Nantucket and Sun Valley. We know the Republicans can dish out class envy but the question is, can they take it?

The Lundberg Survey revealed Wednesday that Southern Californians have begun paying up to three dollars a gallon at the fuel pump. It's embarrassing. Saddam Hussein heard the news and accused President Bush of killing his own people with gas.

President Bush spoke to a hand-picked audience in Bakersfield on Thursday. He had to be wary. Normally anything that's picked by hand in Bakersfield is from the fruit family and he favors a constitutional amendment against that arrangement.

California polls gave President Bush low approval ratings Thursday. It makes no sense when you remember that he doesn't speak in complete sentences, he has a past substance abuse problem and he loves exercising. It's like he's lived here all his life.

President Vicente Fox met with President Bush on Friday. Mexico's president is not allowed to come to the U.S. without the approval of Mexico's Senate. That makes Vicente Fox the only Mexican who cannot cross the border whenever the mood hits him.

Mexico's President Vicente Fox asked President Bush for amnesty for illegal aliens and open borders for migrant workers. He wants Mexicans to have the right to take American jobs. The good news is that border security is now India's problem.

Haiti roiled in anarchy and street violence Thursday as U.S. Marines scrambled to try to halt looting of businesses. The wealthy fled the country for fear of their lives. This isn't so much a civil war as it is a Democratic Party fantasy camp.

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