Argus Hamilton

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© Copyright 2012

Thursday, March 29, 2012 

Argus Hamilton

HOLLYWOOD--God bless America, and how's everybody?

Titanic's James Cameron returned Monday from piloting a submersible to the deepest trench in the Pacific Ocean. He reached a canyon floor seven miles deep. He broke the world record for hitting bottom and coming back up set the day before by Tiger Woods.

Tim Tebow held a nationally televised press conference Monday in New York. Even his press conference was good for sales. Wall Street bars have a drinking game where you drink one shot every time he mentions Jesus and two shots every time he says blessed.

Jane Fonda was cast as Nancy Reagan in an upcoming Hollywood film about a White House butler Tuesday. You can imagine the Republican fury. The producer got an angry call from Nancy Reagan's agent saying she should at least be allowed to read for the part.

Mad Men, about a Madison Avenue ad agency in the Sixties, returned on Sunday. The show's appeal is obvious. It's about an earlier time in America where people smoked, drank and had each other's children at work and nobody ever lost their health insurance.

The Hunger Games was a huge hit at the box office last weekend. In the movie people compete in a televised battle to the death. The difference between the Hunger Games and the Republican primaries is that in the Hunger Games, the bows and arrows are just props.

Florida shooter George Zimmerman said Trayvon Martin slugged him and broke his nose and slammed his head into the concrete. The cops looked at him and believed the shooting was self-defense. If a grand jury agrees, TVs will be free for a couple of nights.

The New York Times refused to label George Zimmerman a Hispanic man Monday. They've insisted on calling him a white Hispanic. That way, in addition to being presumed guilty for shooting Trayvon Martin, he is also guilty of looting the gold from the Incas and Aztecs.

GE Lighting's headquarters in Cleveland dug up a time capsule buried a century ago that include five light bulbs. Everybody wants one. Those dim lights that became law in January are proof that the Optometrists Association gave generously to the Democrats.

Newt Gingrich began charging people fifty dollars to have their photograph taken with him while campaigning for president Monday. It's good investment. A picture with Newt Gingrich is really valuable because he signs each one of them Honus Wagner.

Mitt Romney's campaign reported a huge influx of campaign donations Monday. The GOP's moneyed interests seem to agree he's inevitably going to be the nominee. Mitt Romney is an inspiration to every guy that a woman settled on for lack of better prospects.

President Obama's illegal alien uncle George Onyango gave up his driver's license to Boston police after a DUI conviction Tuesday. He had to verify employment. They knew he works at Conti's liquor store, they didn't know he works there as a product demonstrator.

President Obama was caught on a microphone telling Russia's president Dmitri Medvedev he can be more flexible on missile defense after he's re-elected. The Russians were skeptical. They're not confident of their ability to rig two presidential elections in one year.

CBS News said a medical marijuana home delivery man in L.A. was attacked by two robbers dressed as ninja warriors. Ninja warriors are sword-wielding gladiators. It's the kind of personality you'd expect to rob the medical cocaine home delivery man in L.A.

© Copyright 2012 Argus Hamilton. All Rights Reserved.

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How the First Amendment Came to Protect Topless Dancing: A Citizen's Guide to the Incorporation Doctrine. By Susan Shelley. Kindle Edition.

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