Argus Hamilton

Reading Argus on your cell phone?  
Try the blog at

© Copyright 2012

Sunday, March 25, 2012 

Argus Hamilton

BEVERLY HILLS--God bless America, and how's everybody?

Personality and Behavior Bulletin ran a study which found that people become more politically conservative after each drink. The GOP is horrified. Republicans have been looking for years for the next Ronald Reagan and scientists are telling them it's Charlie Sheen.

The New York Police warned Thursday that Iranian nationals are casing monuments around New York. The terrorists had better be careful now. If they accidentally kill Tim Tebow in an attack he could be one of the seventy-two virgins waiting for them in paradise.

Tim Tebow was publicly urged by New Jersey residents Friday to live in New Jersey and avoid Manhattan's temptation. They're right. Jesus could resist the devil for forty days in the wilderness but he never lived in the same building as fifty investment bankers.

NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell suspended New Orleans coach Sean Payton a year without pay for his bounty system to injure opponents. It's harsh. Roger Goodell hit the Saints so hard he collected a thousand dollar bounty from the other sports commissioners.

John Edwards denied reports Friday he used campaign funds to hire a call girl while running for president. It's sad. The moral of the story is, always use your own money for your four hundred dollar haircuts, for your call girl, and for your mistress's video camera.

Congress passed a bill Thursday banning insider trading by House members. It's a watered down version of the original bill. It strictly bans insider trading by members of Congress but it has exceptions for stocks, bonds, real estate, currency and precious metals.

President Obama looked at oil wells on federal lands in New Mexico before flying to Oklahoma to inspect a pipeline Thursday. He encouraged more oil exploration. Los Angeles is sitting on an ocean of crude, but you can't run a car on reality shows and sitcoms.

President Obama assured an Oklahoma crowd Thursday he favored oil drilling. That went over well. The president was on the road to publicize the Obama Doctrine, which states that the federal government can solve every problem on earth except high oil prices.

Pope Benedict was welcomed to Mexico by huge crowds when he arrived in Mexico City Friday. The feminists aren't happy. They say the last thing they need is another bachelor running around Mexico during spring break who doesn't believe in birth control.

Rick Santorum was caught in an embarrassing photo Tuesday showing him shirtless and chubby sitting poolside in Puerto Rico. He was red as a beet. The Secret Service told him to wear sunscreen but he believes that protection violates the will of the Sun God.

Disney said its movie John Carter lost two hundred million in one month. They said it was a mistake to make a movie about a Civil War soldier on Mars. It's the sequel to another flop called Jimmy Carter, which also lost two hundred million every thirty days.

Al-Qaeda's Mohammed Mera was shot and killed by French forces Thursday after he held them off for thirty-two hours. It's been a long year for al-Qaeda. First they lose Osama bin Laden and now France's first military victory in two hundred years comes at their expense.

The L.A. City Council tried to ban all radio talk show hosts from using racist or sexist language. It would only apply to talk show hosts, not music. Conservatives will have to buy a rhyming dictionary and a drum synthesizer and then you can say whatever you want..

© Copyright 2012 Argus Hamilton. All Rights Reserved.

Click here for the Sunday tidbits® puzzle

How the First Amendment Came to Protect Topless Dancing: A Citizen's Guide to the Incorporation Doctrine. By Susan Shelley. Kindle Edition.

Click here to read
"Restoring the Raise: How to Cause a Labor Shortage in America"
"How to Set Up a Free Country"
"In Defense of the Banks"
"The Second Amendment and the Big Surprise"
"Defending Capitalism"
"The Motive for War: How to End the Violence in Iraq"

"The Secret Life of the Bill of Rights"
"The Tyranny of the Children"
"A Plan to Get Out of Iraq: Blackstone's Fundamental Rights and the Power of Property"
"Judicial Activism and the Constitutional Amendment on Marriage"
"How to Get Congress to Foot the Bill for Illegal Immigration, and Fast"
"Cornered: The Supreme Court's Ten Commandments Problem"
"Why There Is No Constitutional Right to Privacy, and How to Get One"
"How the First Amendment Came to Protect Topless Dancing"
"Marijuana, Prohibition and the Tenth Amendment"
by Susan Shelley, author of
"The 37th Amendment"

Editors:  Add Argus Hamilton's column to your newspaper

Note to the media:  Want to use a quote?  Please click here.

Back to Argus Hamilton's Home Page

Today's Column

Recent Columns

About Argus

Book Argus For Your Next Event

E-mail Argus



How to Start Your Day With The Jokes

Back to